


like the stars are embracing us

by sonderess



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Explicit Sexual Content, Happy Ending, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Internalized Homophobia, Realization of Feelings, aka jaehyun thinks he's straight but oh boy is he in for a surprise, dw there's fluff and humor too, more like i put jaehyun through the wringer in terms of emotional development
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:07:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 40,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28352922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonderess/pseuds/sonderess
Summary: When up-and-coming actor Jaehyun accepts a role in a new drama starring industry legend Nakamoto Yuta, he expects to get some much-needed exposure for his career, work with one of his role models, and maybe catch his big break if he's lucky. He doesn't expect to fall in love with his co-star, but nothing about Yuta has ever been predictable.alternatively: Yuta offers to help Jaehyun practice the kiss scene in their drama, and Jaehyun really should have known better.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 62
Kudos: 277





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my goodness, where to start. This story is my baby and I've been writing it in a rare burst of creativity over the course of the last few weeks. I'm so excited for everyone to read it. Sorry for the longer than normal author's note here at the beginning, but I'd appreciate if you read it before continuing! 
> 
> **minor content warnings:** Please heed the tags for mild internalized homophobia. There is one scene where some of the neos vape, and there are also a few descriptions of food, eating, and feeling full. To be clear, all of the things mentioned in this warnings section are pretty light, but I'm just trying to be extra cautious so everyone is informed before reading!! 
> 
> A quick heads up on ages/honorifics: Jaehyun and his close friends (Taeyong, Jungwoo, and Ten) are all the same age for the purposes of this story, and Yuta/Johnny are three years older than them. It's implied in the story, but just so you're aware from the start! 
> 
> I tried to make this semi-believable, but please suspend your disbelief accordingly if you're more of an expert on acting/the entertainment industry than I am! 
> 
> Dedicated to my bb Gwen for being my favorite yujae stan and my #1 hype person. Your endless support means the world to me!! and to Justine, for taking the time to beta and cheer me on! Thanks for restoring my confidence that this was worth sharing with the world. Love you both so much.
> 
> Title adapted from Yuta's cover of "White" by TVXQ.

In hindsight, Jaehyun should have known that meeting Nakamoto Yuta would irreversibly shake him to his core, but nothing about Yuta has ever been predictable.

It starts with a chemistry test. Not of the science variety, thank god—Jaehyun nearly failed his chemistry class in high school, and has no desire to have a career that relates to the periodic table of elements in any way. A chemistry test for the drama he’s in the process of auditioning for.

His acting career so far has consisted of several small parts in small dramas and web series, as well as a role as a secondary character in a B-list movie that did relatively well in Korea, but failed to drum up any major buzz from either critics or audiences.

This new drama could be his big break. 

“It follows two siblings, a boy and a girl, and the ups and downs of going to a prestigious university,” his manager Doyoung says when he pitches the script to him. “But get this—by day they’re normal college students, but by night they’re amateur detectives trying to solve a case.”

It’s an interesting premise, Jaehyun thinks. A little gritty and suspenseful, while still maintaining a relatable slice-of-life vibe. Jaehyun would watch the hell out of it if he wasn’t trying to end his current stretch of unemployment by auditioning for one of the characters. 

His first few auditions for the role of Hansung had gone well, and Doyoung had notified him that the director now wants to bring him in for a chemistry read with the actor who had just gotten cast as Minjoong, the male lead. He’d been informed that Hansung was to be the love interest of Minjoong, but hadn’t been told much else. 

The director had explained that they wanted to include an LGBT storyline in the show, but that Korea was unfortunately not ready for a purely queer drama from a well-known director. To strike a balance for what they anticipated to be a more conservative viewership, they had decided that the female sibling would have a straight relationship to appease that audience demographic.

“Queerness and capitalism don’t mix well,” his friend Ten says when Jaehyun calls to tell him that he’s auditioning for an LGBTQ+ character, which is about all he can say without breaching his nondisclosure agreement. “It sucks that people don’t think our stories are worth telling, but that’s the way it is right now. But hey, if you get cast and the show does well, maybe it’ll make some waves. About time, if you ask me.”

For all that living in a socially conservative society entails, the irony that Jaehyun has somehow found himself in a predominantly queer friend group as the token straight friend is not lost on him. But he’s also aware that there are certain things Ten, Taeyong, and Jungwoo have to think about that he doesn’t. He has witnessed many of Ten’s rants about the lack of representation in mainstream media, and promises himself that if he gets the part, he’ll do everything in his power to portray Hansung in the best way he possibly can. Doing justice to the character is the least he can do. 

Now, on the way to the chemistry test, Jaehyun tries to quell his nerves. Pre-audition anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing if it can be transformed into adrenaline, but he knows from experience that too much nervousness can hinder his performance if not channeled wisely. 

A staff member greets him when he walks into the building, instructing him to wait outside the room. He rehearses his lines in his head as he waits for his turn. The scene that he’s reading for is the scene where Hansung and Minjoong kiss for the first time, so he knows it's crucial that he captures the romantic tension between them and gets this right.

“They’re ready for you,” the staff member says after about ten minutes, and Jaehyun ducks into the room. He takes some deep breaths that he hopes aren’t too noticeable in betraying his nerves. 

“Hello,” he bows and greets the room. The director and several other people who he assumes are casting directors and producers sit behind a large, foldable rectangular table, pens and notepads at the ready. 

“My name is Jung Jaehyun,” he continues. “And today I’ll be reading for the part of Choi Hansung.”

“We’ve been pleased by your auditions thus far, Jaehyun-ssi,” the director, Kim Sungwoo, says politely. “Seeing as Yuta-ssi has recently been cast as Minjoong, we thought it appropriate to bring you in today to do a chemistry read together.”

Oh. Jaehyun had been so focused on Director Kim that he had failed to take note of the most recognizable face in the room.

“Nice to meet you, Jaehyun-ssi,” Nakamoto Yuta greets him.

Jaehyun really wasn’t expecting to meet a drama legend today, but he supposes he should have known, considering how secretive everything surrounding this project has been.

Yuta is a household name in the drama world, known for his pretty smile, biting sense of humor, and for making viewers cry with emotionally intense scenes. While ethnically Japanese, Yuta was born and raised in Korea. He’s been transparent in interviews about feeling caught between two identities sometimes, but is admired by the general public for his work ethic and rise to prominence in the acting world. Not that Jaehyun is an obsessed fanboy monitoring his press releases or anything. But every aspiring actor knows Yuta. He’s only twenty-six, three years older than Jaehyun, but he’s been acting for nearly a decade now.

“Yuta-sunbaenim, it’s an honor,” he bows low. 

Yuta laughs, a delightful, resonant sound. “Yuta-ssi is fine,” he says, though he returns Jaehyun’s bow. “Considering we may be working together closely in the future, let’s be more comfortable, yeah?”

“Of course.” Jaehyun does his best to appear calm and collected. “Nice to meet you.”

“As you both already know, you’ll be reading from the top of page 33 on episode 7. Whenever you’re ready,” Director Kim says encouragingly.

Jaehyun faces Yuta, who meets his gaze unflinchingly. They make eye contact, slipping into their respective roles. Yuta gives him a small smile and nods. Jaehyun musters a smile of his own and nods back.

“Action!” the director calls.

The first line belongs to Jaehyun. “Do you think I actually like you?” he snorts in derision.

Yuta fixes him with a hard stare. “Don’t you? Or are you still in denial?”

Jaehyun crosses his arms defensively. “I’m just teasing you.”

Yuta doesn’t look convinced. “Really? After everything we’ve done?” 

“It was just some fun, I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”

Yuta shakes his head. “I don’t believe you.”

“Then prove it,” Jaehyun whispers. He feels in the zone, feels the heat of Yuta’s gaze on him. “Prove to me what kind of person I am.”

Yuta steps forward until he’s close, too close. Jaehyun can feel his heart beating wildly in his chest, caught off guard by Yuta’s charisma, the way he commands the room with even the smallest of gestures. Yuta’s lips hover over his, stopping just shy of a kiss, and Jaehyun feels something deep and inexplicable stir inside of him. He knows they’re just acting, but something about Yuta feels horribly, beautifully inevitable. 

Yeah, Jaehyun really should have known better.

***

“You got the part,” Doyoung says when Jaehyun picks up his call, eyes still bleary from sleep. 

“Oh thank god.” Jaehyun puts him on speaker and sets his phone down on the counter. He’s shuffling around his tiny apartment kitchen in nothing but sweats and slippers, looking for a clean bowl to eat his morning cereal in. 

“Congrats,” Doyoung says, and he really does sound proud of Jaehyun. “Taeil will be in touch to negotiate your contract and walk you through the signing process, but I’ll take care of the rest. The first table read is at the beginning of next month.”

“You’re the best manager ever.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Doyoung says coolly, though Jaehyun secretly thinks he sounds pleased.

“I’m sure you’re happy that I’m finally getting parts now.”

“Of course I am.” Doyoung pauses, as if choosing his next words carefully. “I really think this project could be something,” he finally says. “You did well, Jaehyun-ah. They’ll send the script over once all the legal stuff is official so you can start practicing.”

They say their goodbyes, and Jaehyun allows a wave of satisfaction to wash over him. It’s a small victory, and the real work hasn’t even begun yet, but it’s something worth celebrating nonetheless. He’s excited to step into the world the writers of the show have created. Maybe this really will be his big break.

Jaehyun likes predictability, an ironic fact considering he chose acting as a career path. “You should’ve become an accountant or some shit,” Ten has told him on more than one occasion. “I don’t know why you got into acting of all things.” 

But despite his love of routines, he craves the creative freedom that comes with slipping into the head of a fictional character. If anything, just so he doesn’t have to be himself for a while. He wonders what it will be like to get to know Hansung’s character, to have the honor of bringing him to life. 

His mind drifts to Yuta as he pours milk over his cereal, sitting down to eat in the same place he does every morning. They had run through a couple more scenes during the chemistry read to get a better feel for how they played off each other, and Jaehyun is glad that it wasn’t just him who felt the synergy between them.

“I hope Director Kim casts you,” Yuta had whispered to him before Jaehyun had left the room. “I’m probably not supposed to say this, but he’d be stupid not to.”

Apparently, Director Kim felt the same way. 

Jaehyun shakes himself to make sure he’s not dreaming. He’s going to be working with Nakamoto Yuta. This is huge. He calls his parents to tell them the news, and he allows himself the joy of texting his group chat the news of his employment, savoring the keyboard smash reactions and long string of emojis that follow.

The next several weeks pass in a blur of paperwork and preparation. Taeil, his agent, guides him through the process of signing the contract, and Jaehyun spends the rest of his free time running lines with Doyoung and hanging out with his friends. 

“I can’t believe you get to work with Nakamoto Yuta,” Ten complains one night when he’s over at Jaehyun’s apartment. The casting announcements went out to the press today, so Jaehyun is milking the opportunity to tease his friends with what little information he’s allowed to share. “And as his love interest too? Damn, I wish you were gay enough to appreciate this.”

“Maybe I’ll get you his number if you’re nice to me,” Jaehyun shoots back.

“God, day one of being a real celebrity and you’re already blackmailing me with your connections,” Ten shakes his head dramatically. “I didn’t expect the industry to change you this fast, but here we are.”

Taeyong and Jungwoo arrive shortly after for their monthly bros night in, in which they usually drink copious amounts of soju and take turns picking which movie to watch or video game to play. 

“Do we have to call it a bros night in?” Ten had complained when the tradition first began. “That makes it sound very heterosexual, something none of us are. Well, except Jaehyun. No offense.” 

Jaehyun had just laughed, not offended in the slightest, but Taeyong and Jungwoo argued for keeping the name, so Ten had finally acquiesced.

“How’s our A-lister?” Taeyong greets him as he steps into Jaehyun’s apartment. Jungwoo follows him, and they both pull him into a congratulatory hug.

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “We haven’t even started filming yet. Don’t worry, there’s still time for me to fuck it up.”

“Don’t say that,” Jungwoo admonishes. “You’ve got to start having confidence in yourself. They cast you for a reason.”

“Yeah,” Ten chimes in. “Besides, think about all the mediocre people in this world who vastly overestimate their own competence. If they can have confidence, then as a considerably less mediocre person, so can you.”

Jaehyun laughs and curls up on the couch with his friends, who immediately crack open the soju bottles Taeyong brought and start arguing over whose turn it is to order ramen delivery. He thinks about Ten’s words. It’s not that his self esteem is super low, although admittedly he could probably use a little boost. He just knows how flaky his career path is. Yeah, he’s signed a contract, but things fall through in the industry all the time. Contracts get renegotiated, projects get discontinued, networks have a meltdown about something or another. He’s excited and grateful for the opportunity, don’t get him wrong. He’s going to give this show his all, but he doesn’t want to get too attached in case something ends up going horribly wrong. 

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Taeyong says softly. Jaehyun lets him comb a comforting hand through his hair as they put on a movie in the background. “If this really is your breakout role, then you should let yourself enjoy the process. Isn’t the process what you like most about acting anyway?”

“That’s true,” Jaehyun acknowledges. “Thanks for reminding me.” The presence of his friends always helps him make sense of things. It’s going to be hard when he’s filming and he won’t be able to see them as often.

The day of the first table read comes around quickly. His acting classes have drilled into him the importance of being prepared. It’s exactly what it sounds like: the cast, screenwriters, and some members of the production team all sit around a table and read the script as a team for the first time, as if it was being performed for real. Usually, it’s the time to finetune bits of dialogue in the script and make any final adjustments before they actually start shooting, but Jaehyun has heard horror stories of subpar table read performances causing someone’s part to be reduced or cut out of the show entirely. He’s going to make sure that doesn’t happen.

He navigates his way into the studio lot, flashing the security guard his ID, and lets himself into the building. Director Kim had wanted everyone to meet at the studio so they could get a feel for their new workplace. Most of the sets haven’t been completed yet, but Jaehyun thinks it’s better to get acclimated sooner rather than later.

He finds people milling about the room where he’ll be spending the better part of this afternoon. He’s done a little research on his fellow cast members, but he doesn’t know much about their personalities. He hopes they’ll all be kind and easy to work with.

“You’re Jaehyun-ssi, right?”

A petite girl walks over and introduces herself. “I’m Naeun,” she continues. “I’m playing Minji.” 

Jaehyun already knows this from his multiple Naver searches, but he appreciates her friendliness right off the bat. She’s the female lead, and Yuta’s character’s sister in the show. She and Jaehyun will probably be spending a fair amount of time together, so he figures it’s best to make a good first impression.

“I’m looking forward to working with you,” he says. “Happy to be here.”

Naeun smiles. “Have you met the rest of the cast yet?” she asks. 

He shakes his head, and follows her over to a group of people chatting in the corner. A tall, handsome man turns around to greet them.

He’s exactly Ten’s type, though Jaehyun can acknowledge how attractive he is too, from a strictly bro perspective. 

“Don’t let heteronormativity stop you from appreciating attractive people,” Ten often tells him. “Life’s a lot more fun when you stop letting other people dictate what’s acceptable or not. Besides, I need you as moral support whenever I see hot guys, so you can empathize with my plight.”

Jaehyun’s sure Ten would be drooling right now, but he’s not here, so Jaehyun will just have to appreciate his would-be crush for him.

The guy introduces himself as Johnny Suh. Like Yuta, he’s a more experienced actor, and has been in several dramas, often as the second lead. He’s playing Naeun’s love interest and Hansung’s best friend in the show, and Jaehyun instantly takes a liking to his easygoing energy and welcoming attitude.

Johnny leans in once they’ve exchanged pleasantries, like he has a secret to tell. “Heard you gave Yuta a run for his money during auditions,” he says.

Jaehyun tilts his head to the side in confusion. “Oh? He talked about me?”

“We’re same-age friends,” Johnny explains. “When you’ve been in the business a while, you learn who your people are. But yeah, he said your chemistry read went well.”

“Well, it would suck if he said it didn’t,” Jaehyun tries for humor. “Guess that means I can hold off on the existential crisis over my acting skills for a while.”

Johnny laughs, and takes a seat next to Jaehyun. “I like you already,” he says. 

In his peripheral vision, Jaehyun catches a glimpse of Yuta walking into the room. Even though he’s bare-faced and dressed in a casual sweater and beanie, he still commands the room with his presence. No wonder he’s a superstar.

Jaehyun thinks about going up to him, but everyone is taking their seats around the table, and the director calls the meeting to order.

Yuta meets his gaze and offers him a friendly smile and a wave. Jaehyun relaxes, suppressing the grin that fights its way onto his face at Yuta’s simple acknowledgement, and gets ready for his first day with his new colleagues.

*** 

Technically speaking, his first day on the job isn’t the table read, but rather the first day of filming nearly a month later. 

His body is buzzing with nerves as his car pulls up to the studio parking lot.

He makes his way into the main building attached to the soundstage, where all of their personal dressing rooms are located, as well as the hair and makeup area. He’s not sure what to expect, but right off the bat, Yuta beckons him over and greets him.

“Happy first day of work, loverboy,” he jokes.

“We haven’t even been on a date or a dramatic stake-out yet,” Jaehyun decides to play along. “Very presumptuous of you to assume that I’m not here for the coffee and donuts.”

“Ah yes, free food always wins out in the end,” Yuta sighs dramatically. “But hey, I actually wanted to talk with you for a minute.” His expression turns more serious.

 _Oh shit_. Yuta’s change in demeanor stops him in his tracks. He racks his brain for something he could have done wrong. Is Yuta rethinking their ability to work well together? Did he arrive late? _Oh no_ , he thinks. _The director must have said something_ —

Yuta cuts off his perilous train of thought with a shake of his head and a placating smile.

“Don’t worry, nothing’s the matter,” he says reassuringly. “I can see the look of terror on your face. I just wanted to check in with you, since it’s the first day of shooting. I’ve been in your shoes, and I know how overwhelming it can be. Since we’re going to be partners in the show, I just want you to know that I’ve got you.”

Jaehyun is stunned. He hoped that his castmates would be nice, but he didn’t expect Yuta to be so earnest right away. 

“Wow, thank you,” he manages. “That’s really nice of you, hyung. Can I call you that?” 

Yuta nods encouragingly. 

“Thanks for making me feel comfortable,” he continues. “It’s definitely a lot, but I’m excited. I hope we can get to know each other better.”

“I would like nothing more,” Yuta grins.

The first week of filming goes by smoothly. Jaehyun’s nerves eventually dissipate as he gets more comfortable taking stage directions and slipping into his character’s head. The cast and crew are easy to work with, and he’s grateful for how knowledgeable and supportive everyone is. 

He spends a lot of time on set with Johnny and Yuta, since he has more scenes with them than with anyone else. In the show, Hansung and Johnny’s character Sungdeok are friends, and Sungdeok introduces him to Yuta’s character Minjoong to help with their detective shenanigans. Besides being smart and loyal, Hansung is also a talented photographer, so Minjoong and Naeun’s character Minji recruit him to help collect photographic evidence of suspicious activity happening around their university. 

“Are you coming to the bonding party on Saturday?” Johnny asks him. He and Jaehyun are lounging on a couch in one of the break rooms, fiddling around with their phones and trying to rest before they have to get up and film their next scene. 

“Yeah, I’m planning on it,” Jaehyun says. “It’s at Yuta’s place, right?”

“That’s correct,” Yuta announces before Johnny can reply. He strides into the room and flops down on the couch in between them. “I’m beat,” he says. “But yeah, Saturday night, seven. Hopefully it’ll give the cast and some of the crew a chance to get to know each other better. Good for morale. Probably safer than going out to a restaurant or a club.”

Oh yeah, Yuta and Johnny are actually famous and have to think twice before going out in public. Jaehyun’s Instagram following has grown moderately since casting announcements went out to the press, but he’s still nowhere near the level of his new friends.

In a way, it’s still a little strange to associate friendship with his castmates. While Yuta always shines bright, some of the starstruck awe that Jaehyun felt upon initially meeting him has worn off, replaced with a growing sense of comradery and comfort. It’s still early, he knows, but Yuta is easy to be friends with. 

Especially after his little speech on the first day. Despite his kind words, Jaehyun had been slightly worried that Yuta was going to baby him, or look down on him for being a newbie. And while Yuta has been very supportive and helpful whenever he has questions, Jaehyun doesn’t think there’s a condescending bone in his body. Major celebrities can be wild cards, but he’s grateful for how down to earth Yuta has been so far. Yuta treats him like an equal, even though their careers are in very different places.

The work week wraps up without a hitch, and the cast and crew meet for a debriefing before heading home for the weekend. Yuta reminds everyone about the bonding party tomorrow, and Director Kim congratulates everyone on a successful first week of filming.

Taeyong calls him when he’s on his way out to the parking lot to check in about their group plans. Jaehyun’s already pretty bad at texting, but he’s been even worse with filming this week, so Taeyong probably just decided to pick up the phone rather than wait around for a response.

“I don’t think I can make it to dinner tomorrow night,” he says when Taeyong asks him. “I’m sorry. Yuta-hyung is hosting a get-together for the cast at the same time.”

“He’s hyung already?” Taeyong sounds amused. “Well, I’m glad you’re getting along so well. You should go. It’ll be good for you.”

“Still, I’m sorry to flake.”

“You have a valid excuse,” says Taeyong. “But hey, bring Yuta-ssi with you to our next dinner, and maybe Ten will forgive you.” 

Jaehyun laughs in response. “I wouldn’t count on it. But I’ll make it up to you guys, I promise.” He’s pretty sure Yuta has more exciting celebrity friends to hang out with anyway.

They hang up shortly after, and Jaehyun drives home and collapses into bed with the takeout he picked up on the way back and his TV remote in his hand. 

He relishes his day off and lazes around his apartment for the better part of Saturday, until he manages to pick himself up off the couch and get ready for the party. 

Yuta had sent everybody the address and given the security guard in the lobby a list of people to potentially expect. Jaehyun feels like he’s at the entrance to a club when the guy asks to see his ID and consults the sheet of paper in front of him, but he supposes that comes with the territory of being famous. Without precautions, it would be easy for people to take advantage. 

The security guard tells him to go up to the eighteenth floor, first door on the right. When he steps out of the elevator, he notices that there are very few doors in the hallway. Yuta’s apartment must be big. He can certainly afford it, unless he has a gambling addiction or some other money-sucking habit Jaehyun doesn’t know about.

Jaehyun rings the doorbell, and the door swings open after a beat. “Glad you could make it,” Yuta greets him. 

He lets Jaehyun in, and leads him into the living room, where most people are hanging out and talking. It’s more of a chill gathering, not like any of the crazy parties Ten dragged him to in college. There’s a modest group of people—mostly cast, some crew—and some snacks and beer on the table. It’s better than a rager, Jaehyun thinks. Less chance of things getting messy and out of hand. Besides, Yuta’s apartment is as spacious and luxurious as he predicted, and Jaehyun doubts that he wants it trashed. 

“Jaehyun-ssi!” Naeun calls him over. 

He takes a seat in between her and a guy called Donghyuck. Donghyuck hasn’t filmed too many scenes yet, but Jaehyun knows he’s playing the villain of the show. Director Kim has been relatively secretive about the finale so far, to build up suspense among the cast so it shows up in their performances. 

“How was your first week of filming?” Naeun asks. “I’m excited for us to start having scenes together.”

“Me too,” he says, encouraged by her friendliness. “Johnny-hyung and Yuta-hyung have been really nice to work with. Everyone has been super welcoming.”

Naeun hums in agreement. “I feel the same. I was nervous at first, but things have been smooth sailing so far. Fingers crossed, right?” 

Jaehyun nods emphatically. “Hey,” he says, “you should spend more time with the hyungs and I if you don’t mind hanging out with a bunch of guys.”

He’s spent most of his free time this week with Johnny and Yuta due to sheer proximity, but he likes Naeun more and more every time they talk, and he doesn’t want her to feel left out. He forgot that she’s a newcomer just like him, and the only female lead out of the four of them, so he figures he should put in some extra effort.

“I have two older brothers,” she laughs. “I used to try and hang out with them and their friends all the time until they got annoyed with their kid sister tagging along everywhere. I definitely don’t mind hanging with the guys. I’d love to get to know you all better.”

Before Jaehyun can respond, Yuta clears his throat and calls for everyone to quiet down. 

“Sorry to interrupt the fun,” he says. “I think everyone who said they could make it is here now, so I just wanted to make a little toast real quick. This show is a project that I’m really excited about, so I’m really grateful to all of you for being a part of it and bringing it to life.”

“Don’t make me cry bro!” Johnny calls from his position on the couch. Yuta makes an obscene gesture in his direction as he continues his mini speech.

“Anyways, I’m not gonna get sappy here. Just wanted to say thanks for coming and hope we can all work well together. Food delivery is on its way, the bathroom is down the hall if you need it, and just try not to break anything. Okay, I’m done.”

There’s a smattering of laughter and light cheering, and then conversation resumes as everyone goes back to socializing. Jaehyun hasn’t even opened a beer yet, but his cheeks feel warm just the same. He can tell this is a good group of people, even though he hasn’t gotten to know everyone personally yet. 

He waves to Johnny, but decides to mingle a little more before finding his new friends. He ends up chatting with a guy named Kun for a while, one of the assistant producers, and finds out they have the same taste in music. 

“I’ve never met anyone in Korea who listens to Cigarettes After Sex,” he says, impressed. “I seriously thought I was the only one in the country who knew about them.”

Kun laughs. “Me too,” he says. “My sister used to make fun of me for all my depressing music, but I see I’ve found a kindred spirit. Hey, do you listen to Beach House?” 

Jaehyun does in fact listen to Beach House, and that sets them off down a conversational rabbit hole for the better part of an hour. Eventually, Kun gets called over by one of his other crew buddies to do a round of soju shots, and he and Jaehyun part ways, though not before enthusiastically exchanging KakaoTalk IDs. 

He finds Naeun and Donghyuck sitting on the couch playing on Yuta’s PS4, while Johnny looks on in interest.

“Wanna play?” Donghyuck asks. The character selection menu of Super Smash Bros flashes across the TV screen.

“Sure.” 

Naeun hands him the controller and perches on the arm of the couch. “He’s really good,” she warns him. “I thought I had it in the bag for sure, but Donghyuck-ssi here gave me a run for my money.”

“Oh shit,” Jaehyun laughs. “Let’s see what I’m up against.”

Sure enough, Donghyuck creams him in two minutes flat, though Jaehyun puts up a good fight. They go for several more rounds, talking shit and giving each other a hard time, though it’s all in good fun.

“I see why they made you the antagonist of the show,” Jaehyun says. “You’re a little devil, did you know that?”

Donghyuck cackles, shoving him playfully. 

“I like being the bad guy,” he says simply. “Good game, dude.”

Jaehyun turns back around to Naeun and Johnny, who lost interest after the third round and are now debating whether mini boba pearls or regular sized boba pearls are superior. 

“Mini boba pearls have less chance of getting stuck in your throat,” Naeun argues.

Johnny wrinkles his nose. “But it’s so much less satisfying,” he says. “It almost tastes like slush.” Donghyuck joins in, voicing his agreement. 

Jaehyun clears his throat. “I hate to interrupt this riveting conversation,” he says, “but do you know where Yuta-hyung is?” 

Johnny angles his head and points towards the balcony, which Jaehyun only just realized was there. He waves goodbye to them and stands up from the couch. 

The night breeze is a refreshing balm against his skin as he steps outside. The lights of Seoul glitter against the sky, and he watches the red and white streaks of headlights and taillights flash through the city streets.

“Never gets old,” Yuta says in lieu of a greeting. Jaehyun turns just in time to see him rise from a chair in the corner of the deck and make his way over to the middle of the glass railing where Jaehyun stands. 

“It’s beautiful,” Jaehyun agrees. 

There’s no one else out here on the balcony, and Jaehyun wonders if he disturbed Yuta’s alone time. But Yuta doesn’t ask him to leave. He just smiles and goes back to staring out at the twinkling metropolis they call home. They stand in companionable silence, taking in the view.

“Can I ask you something?” Yuta breaks the silence after a while. 

“Of course.”

“Why did you take this role?” Yuta looks at him questioningly. “Isn’t it risky, considering the subject material?”

Jaehyun thinks for a moment. “Well,” he says carefully, “Director Kim is a very reputable director, and it was a good opportunity. Besides, dramas with LGBTQ+ characters are becoming more common these days.” 

Yuta nods, looking thoughtful.

“A lot of my friends are gay,” Jaehyun continues, though he doesn’t know why he feels the need to justify himself. “And maybe in an ideal world, a gay person would play this role instead of a straight guy like me. But since we don’t live in that society right now, I hope I can at least play this role better than some other straight guy who’s never interacted with a queer person in his life and has all these stereotypes of how they’re supposed to act.” 

Yuta studies him for a moment. "Right," he says finally. "Well, that's very supportive of you." His tone is unreadable, and Jaehyun can't help but feel like he's missing something. 

“Why did you take this role?” he ventures. “Isn’t it more risky for you? You’re already a successful actor, and you could receive a lot of backlash.”

Yuta is quiet for a minute. “It was important to me,” he says eventually. “I believe in the message of the show, and it was important to me.”

Jaehyun takes the hint and doesn’t push it. 

They stand in silence once more, watching the world rush by below them. 

***

“I still feel bad that I haven’t been there for you,” Doyoung apologizes as they walk onto the set together. “The wedding was fun and all, but now I’m all yours.”

“Hyung, you can stop apologizing,” Jaehyun says. “I forgave you two weeks ago.”

Doyoung had been out of town for a week at his older brother’s destination wedding, and then he got tied up with an old client, so he’s been out of commission for the last few weeks. Jaehyun’s not angry, though. He’d never make Doyoung miss his brother’s wedding, and it’s not Doyoung’s fault that his old client doesn’t have a new manager or know how to read a damn contract. Besides, it forced him to be independent and advocate for himself. 

He’s settled into a rhythm over the last few weeks. Even though his filming schedule varies day-to-day, he’s learned how to make the most of it. He brought some extra pillows and blankets from home into his private dressing room for napping purposes, and he enjoys wandering around the studio lot for some fresh air whenever he has a longer break in between scenes. Most of the sets are located here on the lot, but it’s always nice to have a change of pace whenever they film outside or at another location. 

“Still,” Doyoung says as they make their way into the hair and makeup room. “I’m glad I get to see you in action now.” He and Jaehyun set down their bags with one hand, each balancing a tray full of steaming coffees in the other.

“We brought drinks!” Jaehyun calls.

Everyone looks up in surprise. 

“I don’t know what everyone likes,” Jaehyun explains, “but there’s lattes and cappuccinos for whoever wants them.” The direct deposit of his first paycheck had finally gone through to his bank account, and he was feeling generous when he woke up this morning. 

“That’s so nice of you,” Johnny says. “I didn’t have time to stop for coffee this morning, so this is perfect.”

“I knew you were sweet underneath that cool exterior,” Naeun comments from her chair, where a stylist curls her hair into loose waves. “Quick, bring me a cappuccino before they have to do my makeup and I can’t eat or drink anything.”

Jaehyun obliges, although he’s not sure what she means by that. Does he come off as aloof? Unfriendly? He’s always thought of himself as an extrovert, but he wishes he could be more personable like Yuta, whose presence immediately puts everyone at ease.

“Don’t worry,” Yuta whispers when Jaehyun hands him a latte. “She’s just teasing. No one thinks you’re mean or anything.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t know how Yuta seems to read him like an open book when they’ve only recently met.

“I’m perceptive,” is all Yuta says when Jaehyun asks him. “Thanks for the coffee, by the way.”

He smiles mysteriously. Or, maybe it’s just that Jaehyun is as bad at reading people as Yuta is good at it. 

In any case, Doyoung ushers him into his dressing room to get changed before getting his hair and makeup done, and he puts the encounter out of his mind.

***

Jaehyun assumes that he and Yuta will be work friends, chummy colleagues and nothing more. But this proves difficult when Yuta starts joining him on his daily walks around the studio lot. Not every day, seeing as their filming schedules don’t completely align, but enough that it becomes a regular habit. Sometimes they talk, but sometimes they walk in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company.

“It’s peaceful,” Yuta comments, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets as they meander around the lot. “I see why you do this every day.”

“It keeps me sane,” Jaehyun says. “I used to go to the gym most days, but that’s nearly impossible with how long these filming schedules are.”

It’s a Friday, and both the cast and crew are ready to wrap up and go home for the weekend. They’re finishing episode 6 today, and next week they’ll start filming the big seventh episode, where Hansung and Minjoong will kiss for the first time. He and Yuta haven’t talked too much about it, though they’ve already started rehearsals for the episode.

His phone buzzes with a text. It’s Ten, confirming that he’s coming to dinner tonight. Jaehyun is exhausted from the week, but he hasn’t seen his friends in a while. He feels bad for skipping out several weeks ago, so he resolves to go tonight. 

His phone buzzes again before he has a chance to reply.

**Ten**  
_oh and bring Yuta-ssi!!_

**Jaehyun**  
_yeah yeah i’m coming_  
_and lmao i’m sure he’s busy but i’ll ask i guess_

“My friends want to meet you,” he explains when he looks up at Yuta’s questioning expression. “I’m sure you have other things to do, but I’ve spoken highly of you, so they’re badgering me to ask you to have dinner with us tonight.”

Yuta quirks an eyebrow in interest. “Do _you_ want me to come to dinner?”

The question catches him off guard. “Well, yeah, of course I do. It’s just a small group of us at our favorite restaurant, and my friends are cool. I guess I just assumed that you had more interesting things to do on a Friday night.”

“I’m very interested in meeting your friends,” says Yuta. “My social life is definitely not as exciting as you seem to think it is, and I like meeting new people.” 

Oh. For some reason, Jaehyun didn’t foresee the conversation going in this direction, or at least not quite so soon.

“I’ll let them know then,” he says. “I’m glad you want to come.”

He pulls out his phone again to text the group chat. 

**Jaehyun**  
_ok u guys Yuta-hyung is coming tonight_  
_pls for the love of god do not say embarrassing things about me i beg u_

**Taeyong**  
_wait srsly??_

**Jungwoo**  
_omg_

**Ten**  
_we’ll be on our best behavior!!_

“They’re excited to meet you,” he tells Yuta, who laughs and loops an arm through Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun is used to the physical intimacy that comes with being friends with affectionate people like Taeyong, Jungwoo, and Ten, but it’s a pleasant surprise nonetheless. 

“Good,” Yuta says. “I need more friends these days anyhow.”

“I know we’re not the same age, but I’m your friend, hyung.”

“Yeah,” Yuta says. Jaehyun thinks he sees a twinge of wistfulness in the way Yuta smiles, but he can’t be sure. “Yeah,” Yuta repeats. “I’m glad you are.”

***

The dumpling restaurant isn’t too crowded when they walk in, and Jaehyun thanks his lucky stars. He promised Yuta it would be a lowkey affair, without too much chance of him being recognized, and he’s grateful that this is the case.

His friends wave them over to their booth in the corner, and Jaehyun motions for Yuta to slide into the seat next to him. 

“We meet the infamous Nakamoto Yuta-ssi at last,” Ten announces with his signature dramatic flair. 

“Infamous?” Yuta jokes. “I thought Jaehyun-ah only said nice things about me.”

“I did,” Jaehyun defends. 

“It’s really nice to meet you,” Taeyong amends. “We’re grateful you’ve been taking such good care of our Jaehyun.”

“So,” Ten says conversationally, “have you guys kissed yet?”

Jaehyun puts his head in his hands and groans.

Yuta just laughs. “Next week is the moment of truth,” he says. “Though that’s about all I can tell you without violating my NDA.” 

“How has filming gone so far?” Jungwoo asks. 

Yuta launches into a funny story about how Jaehyun and Johnny made a blooper-reel worthy mistake during one of their scenes, and the whole crew ended up laughing for a solid five minutes.

His friends take to Yuta right away, and Jaehyun’s heart feels full watching them all get along. Already, Yuta seems to fit right in like a missing puzzle piece. 

“How did you all meet?” Yuta asks after a break in the conversation when their food comes.

“College,” Jungwoo explains. “Taeyong and I were roommates freshman year, and he and Ten danced together. Ten was friends with Jaehyun’s ex-girlfriend, and when they broke up, Ten ended up staying friends with him instead. We adopted him into our little group, and he’s been stuck with us ever since.”

“Why I choose to stay, I don’t know,” Jaehyun shakes his head.

Ten swings an arm around his shoulder. “Because we’re your supportive best friends and you love us.”

Yuta smiles at that. “It’s fun seeing you guys together,” he says. “I didn’t go to college, so I’ve never had that experience.”

“Oh I can tell you plenty of stories about Jaehyun,” Ten says eagerly.

Jaehyun shoves him off. “You promised you wouldn’t embarrass me,” he pleads.

Taeyong giggles at their antics. “Jaehyun is a good kid,” he clarifies. “Ten’s just giving him a hard time.”

“What did you study?” Yuta asks.

“Business and marketing,” says Jaehyun. “My parents wanted me to have a reliable backup in case the acting thing didn’t work out. I minored in theater arts, though.”

“You minored in girls,” Ten snorts. “And parties.”

“Hey, you peer pressured me to go to most of those ragers,” Jaehyun argues. “I had two girlfriends in college and indulged in a little bit of fun when I wasn’t in a relationship. I’m hardly the player you’re making me out to be.”

He hasn’t had sex in months, although he’s been on a few dates and had a couple one night stands since his graduation last year. Most of his energy has been focused on trying to kick-start his acting career, and he can’t exactly afford a dating scandal this early on. For now, his right hand will have to do until he’s ready to start looking again. 

Jungwoo feeds him a dumpling as a placating gesture. Jaehyun hates how fast his mouth opens, but Jungwoo’s sweet smile settles his indignation.

“Go sell me out to Dispatch, why don’t you,” he grumbles through his mouthful of food.

Yuta looks amused, though the unreadable expression that seems to grace his face at random is back. 

“What about the rest of you?” he asks. “Are you dating? I’m living vicariously through you guys.”

"Unfortunately single," Ten laments. "But if you know any hot actors who would be willing to be my boyfriend, send them my way. Preferably buff and over six feet tall."

If Yuta is surprised at Ten's reference to his sexuality, he doesn't show it. If anything, he smiles a little wider, leaning back into his seat and sipping his glass of wine.

“We’ve all been too busy,” Taeyong sighs. “We only graduated last year, and I think we’ve all been too focused on figuring out our lives and finding jobs to think about finding boyfriends.”

Yuta nods thoughtfully. “I found my calling pretty early, so I can’t necessarily relate,” he says. “And my job as a public figure doesn’t exactly make relationships easy. But I think that it will come to you when you least expect it. If you focus on making your life happy and fulfilling, a relationship will naturally follow.”

“Can you be our hyung and give us words of encouragement like that all the time?” Jungwoo asks.

Yuta grins. “It would be my pleasure.”

When he and Yuta finally part ways with his friends after another round of dumplings and conversation, Yuta’s eyes are alight with joy and contentment.

They wander down the street back in the direction of Jaehyun’s car. It’s officially summer in Seoul, but Jaehyun’s not sure if the warmth he feels is coming from outside or inside of him.

“I like your friends,” Yuta says. “It’s nice to see you with them. I can tell that you guys have a special bond.”

“I got lucky,” Jaehyun admits. “I don’t know where I’d be without them.”

“I hope one day I can have that.”

Jaehyun looks at him, perplexed. “But you’re so cool, hyung,” he says. “I would think that everyone would want to be friends with you.”

“I have Johnny,” Yuta concedes. “And a couple other hyungs in the industry. But people in this business are fickle, Jaehyun-ah. You can’t trust everyone you meet, especially not when you have things you’d rather the world doesn’t know about.”

Jaehyun wonders what secrets Yuta has that he’s so adamant on keeping hidden, but he figures that’s probably a conversation for another time.

“Well then, I guess you’ll just have to start hanging out with us more often.”

Yuta smiles at that. “I’d like that,” he says. 

They finally arrive at Jaehyun’s car, and Yuta ruffles his hair and steps back to wave goodbye.

“You’re not getting in?” Jaehyun asks. “I drove you here. It’s really not a problem to drive you home.”

Yuta shakes his head. “I can take a taxi. I just wanted to walk you back to your car.” 

“Oh. That’s really nice of you. But are you sure?”

“My apartment is twenty minutes out of your way. I’m sure,” Yuta confirms.

Jaehyun doesn’t know why he feels a twinge of disappointment, but he reluctantly agrees.

“Goodnight Jaehyun-ah,” Yuta says softly. 

“Goodnight, hyung.”

Jaehyun gets in his car and merges into the street traffic, trying not to think about how soft Yuta’s expression looked under the lamplight.

***

The following Thursday marks the beginning of the end. 

It’s the day of the kiss scene, and everyone is talking about it. Jaehyun normally wouldn’t understand why—it’s just a kiss, for god’s sake, and they’re professionals. But it’s the first time a same-sex kiss will be featured on a major Korean broadcasting channel, and he knows it’s a big deal.

He definitely feels the pressure, but he and Yuta have practiced the scene so many times—up until the actual kiss, that is—that for the most part, his anxiety has transmuted into adrenaline.

“How’s the man of the hour?” Johnny greets him when he walks onto set. He and Yuta are playing games on their phones in the corner of Yuta’s dressing room, while Yuta’s manager is ranting on the phone to someone just outside the door. Yuta looks up when he walks in, though he doesn’t quite meet Jaehyun’s eyes.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Jaehyun says. “Too bad you’ll miss the show.”

“I’m devastated,” Johnny deadpans. “Hopefully you don’t suck at kissing.”

“Hey, they cast me for a reason,” Jaehyun jokes. “Not that you’ll ever get the chance to find out.” He sees Yuta’s hands tighten around his phone as his fingers fly across the screen. Why won’t Yuta look at him? 

“Damn,” Johnny laughs. “Big talk. You too good for me, Jung?

“Nah,” says Jaehyun. “I’d just prefer to make use of my talents elsewhere.”

He doesn’t usually engage in this sort of guy talk, but for some reason he feels like he has something to prove today.

Johnny whistles. “Someone’s confident,” he teases. “You better put your money where your mouth is.”

“I mean, none of my exes seemed to have a problem,” Jaehyun says, miffed. It comes out a little defensive, but Johnny bursts out laughing anyway. 

“Is that so,” he says, clearly amused. “Well, I’m sure Yuta will tell me _all_ about it later.”

“That’s enough,” Yuta suddenly snaps. “I need to change. Both of you, get out.”

He herds them out and slams the door shut. 

Jaehyun and Johnny turn to face each other.

“What’s his deal?” Jaehyun asks.

Johnny shrugs. “No idea. Guess we’ll find out.”

Jaehyun makes his way back to his own dressing room, where Doyoung is waiting for him.

His stomach twists as he ponders the sharpness of Yuta’s words. He’s never seen Yuta be anything other than perfectly pleasant, if a little guarded at times. 

Was it something he said? Jaehyun doesn’t think so, but he can’t be sure. He hopes that Yuta is okay, and that he knows he can talk about it if he’s not.

 _The scene will be fine_ , he tells himself. _Everything is going to be fine_.

***

The scene goes miserably. 

The cast and crew stand outside on the studio lot, in front of the facade acting as Hansung’s apartment building. It’s dark outside, and Jaehyun shivers as the stylist touches up his hair and makeup. He squares his shoulders and walks over to the spot where they’ve already marked the scene with the director. 

“You ready?” Yuta greets him. His tone is still a little off, but his smile is back, and the weirdness between them from earlier today seems to have dissolved for the time being.

“Don’t look so eager,” Jaehyun teases him. He tries for humor in the hopes that it’ll shake Yuta out of his funk and make him look more relaxed than he feels. _It’s just like any other scene_ , he reminds himself. _It’s not like it's your first kiss, chill the fuck out_. 

Yuta takes the bait and laughs delightedly. “You know I’ve been dreaming about those lips,” he winks. “C’mon Jung, put’em on me.”

Jaehyun shoves him away, and Yuta only laughs harder. 

“Seriously though, don’t worry too much,” Yuta says. “If the way you were talking earlier is anything to go by, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. Kiss scenes are usually awkward, but it’s us. We’ll be fine.”

Jaehyun tries to ignore how good it feels to hear Yuta refer to their burgeoning friendship as “we” and “us.” He forces a smile and nods, briefly breaking away from Yuta to find Doyoung, who’s sitting in a nearby chair with a copy of the script in his hand. 

In the scene, Minjoong is walking Hansung back to his dorm after a dramatic detective stake-out with him and Minji. They’re supposed to be rattled, a little shaken from the events that had just transpired. Eventually, they start bickering about how they’re trying to keep each other safe, which turns into a discussion about feelings, and then Jaehyun reads the first line that he ever said to Yuta.

_Do you think I actually like you?_

The first take goes well until it doesn’t. 

He and Yuta have fallen into a comfortable rhythm when it comes to acting, and by now Jaehyun is used to the cameras rolling and the directions coming from every which way. He remembers his lines and his cues for the scene, and pays attention to the instructions that he and Yuta are given. Everything is great until Yuta’s lips actually touch his.

“Cut!” Director Kim yells. “Jaehyun-ssi, you froze up there, what happened?”

“Sorry, I’m ready to go again.” He grimaces slightly, and Yuta takes notice.

“It’s fine, we’ll do several takes,” he whispers. “It’s just me.”

Jaehyun tries to let Yuta’s words relax him, but when Yuta’s lips touch his again, the gears in his brain grind to a halt and he forgets to kiss back.

“Cut!” Director Kim yells again. “Hansung’s emotions are running high. He and Minjoong are desperate for each other. Kiss him like you mean it.”

“Yes sir.” Jaehyun bows meekly in apology. 

In his defense, he tries, he really does. The next several takes go equally as horribly. Jaehyun flubs his line in one, misses his cue in another, and clumsily kisses Yuta back in yet another. Each time Jaehyun hears the word “cut” he only sinks deeper and deeper into despair. He wants to do well for Yuta so badly, and he doesn’t want to let himself or the rest of the cast and crew down. But the problem with failure is that the more it happens, the more it sticks in the back of your mind, until you reach a point where you’ve psyched yourself out so much that digging yourself out of the mental hole you’ve created is damn near impossible. 

By the time that Director Kim decides that they’re not getting anywhere tonight and shuts the whole thing down, Jaehyun is on the verge of taking a long walk off a short cliff. His cheeks burn with embarrassment, and he tries to avoid Yuta’s searching gaze. The awkwardness from earlier is back, and he doesn’t know why. It’s just a fucking kiss. They’re acting, for god’s sake. Why can’t he do this?

“We’ll try again tomorrow,” says Director Kim. He looks a little frustrated, but his smile is patient. “Get some rest, Jaehyun-ssi. If you’re still having problems tomorrow then we’ll need to have a talk, but you’d be surprised what a good night’s sleep can do for an acting funk.”

Jaehyun bows in apology. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me, but I promise I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

Director Kim waves him off after a few minutes of talking, so he makes his way back inside the studio with the rest of the crew. Yuta looks like he wants to follow, but another crew member starts talking to him about blocking, so he stays behind. It’s probably better that way. Jaehyun’s not sure if he can handle Yuta’s disappointment right now.

He can’t help the sigh of relief that escapes him when he shuts himself inside his dressing room. Doyoung slips in behind him. Jaehyun’s sure he’s about to get an earful, though Doyoung had granted him the gift of silence on their trek back across the lot. 

“You fucked up,” Doyoung says, before Jaehyun can tell him not to say anything. “So what? It happens, Jaehyun-ah. You’ll pick yourself back up like you always do. This has happened to every actor I’ve worked with. You’re not a failure just because you fucked up one scene.”

Jaehyun mumbles his agreement, although he knows that it’s not just any ordinary scene, and that it’s going to take more than a mini pep talk from Doyoung to get him out of this funk. 

“Thanks hyung,” he sighs. “You should go home, get some rest. We have a long day tomorrow.”

“I could say the same to you. You sure you don’t want me to wait up for you?”

“I think I need a few minutes to myself, actually.”

Doyoung nods in understanding. “Whatever you need,” he says softly. “See you in the morning.”

The quiet that ensues when Doyoung exits the room feels both relieving and entirely oppressive. 

He stares at himself in the mirror, trying to shake some sense back into his vacant expression. What is happening to him?

There’s a knock on the door. Jaehyun startles, but quickly moves to open it. It’s probably a crew member telling him to pack it up for the night.

“Can I come in?” Yuta asks.

Of course it’s him. Jaehyun should have known. He steps backward to allow Yuta into the dressing room.

"I'm sorry," he says instinctively when Yuta shuts the door behind him. "I don't know what happened."

"I'm not mad." Yuta's brow furrows in concern, and he’s quiet for a moment. "Look,” he finally says, “I know I was in a bad mood earlier, and I’m sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?"

"Oh god, no," Jaehyun hurries to reassure him. "Seriously, you're fine. More than fine, in fact. You were great tonight. It was completely my fault."

“It’s one scene.” Yuta’s calming tone placates him a little. “It’ll be better tomorrow. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. It’s nothing to freak out over, I promise.”

“Still,” Jaehyun reasons. “It’s just a kiss. It shouldn’t be a big deal.”

Yuta studies him for a moment, as if turning over a decision in his mind. He steps toward Jaehyun, and something fierce makes its way into his gaze. "You said you've kissed people before. Were you telling the truth?"

"Of course," Jaehyun says, trying to ignore the way that Yuta is looking at him with a little more than just innocent curiosity. "You already know I’ve been in relationships before. But I've never kissed a guy. I just froze up a little today." He realizes that he's backed up against the wall, but he doesn't dare move under the weight of Yuta's gaze.

He expects Yuta to accuse him of lying and tell him to get his shit together. Instead, Yuta kisses him.

It's a short peck, nothing more, but it momentarily stuns Jaehyun. "Um," he says eloquently, "did you miss the many times where I said I was straight?"

"You need to practice," Yuta says, as though it's obvious. "We did this scene up until the kiss when we first met and we're doing just fine in all of our other scenes together, so it's not a chemistry issue. You're just in your head about the actual kissing part."

It sounds so reasonable when Yuta puts it that way. Maybe a little practice would do him good. Yuta's body is so close to his own, one hand against the wall behind Jaehyun, and Jaehyun becomes achingly aware of the electricity pulsing between them. He decides that anything that will improve his acting from the mess that it was today is probably to his benefit.

"Okay," he whispers. A look of triumph flashes across Yuta's face, gone too quickly for Jaehyun to be sure he didn't imagine it.

"Okay," Yuta repeats. He doesn't move.

"What are you waiting for?"

"I know that Minjoong kisses Hansung in this particular scene, but you need to build back your confidence and take the lead. Kiss me," Yuta says, as if it's that simple. "C'mon, I know you know how."

Yuta is patient and kind, but tonight there's something a little defiant in his eyes. As if he's taunting Jaehyun, daring him to step the fuck up and do something about whatever weirdness has been simmering between them today.

"Come on," Yuta hisses, and he's outright goading Jaehyun now, a biting smirk on his face. "You talked such a big game earlier, don't tell me you don't know how to follow through—"

The kiss that Jaehyun pulls him into is nothing short of ferocious.

Yuta lets him have it, lets Jaehyun lick into his mouth like he’s starving. And maybe he is starving, because Yuta’s lips taste so much better than when they were filming. The kiss is bruising, like the sweetest torture, and Jaehyun gives himself over to it. He revels in the way that Yuta kisses him back like he’s desperate, like he can’t get enough. _Oh_ , he thinks in between kisses. _This is how it’s supposed to be_. Yuta pulls off to tug at his bottom lip, and Jaehyun just barely suppresses a groan.

"Better," Yuta whispers against his lips. "Much better."

If you had told Jaehyun six months ago, while he was living off of convenience store ramen and running to fruitless auditions all day, that someday in the not too distant future he would be making out with Nakamoto Yuta in the dressing room on the set of a drama that they had been cast in together, he would have laughed in your face.

But Yuta is real, as solid as the ground Jaehyun’s standing on. And he’s here, pressed up against Jaehyun, breathing heavily from the way Jaehyun had practically attacked his lips. Yeah, this definitely takes the number one slot on Jaehyun’s mental list of things that he never thought would happen.

“Again,” Yuta murmurs, and this time Jaehyun lets him take the lead. Yuta’s kisses are confident, gentle yet self-assured. There’s no doubt in Jaehyun’s mind that Yuta is the most experienced person he’s ever kissed, boy or girl. He can probably do all sorts of dirty things with his tongue, which Jaehyun is definitely not thinking about right now, but instead he slows things down, like he wants to take Jaehyun apart with nothing but his lips. Jaehyun shivers at the thought.

 _It’s just practice_ , the helpful voice in his head supplies. _You’re actors, stop pretending like this is anything more than a rehearsal. Besides, you’re into girls anyway_.

The beginnings of an inner battle stir inside Jaehyun’s mind, but he cuts off the voice and his tangled mess of thoughts, choosing instead to focus on his arms wrapped tightly around Yuta’s neck and Yuta’s lips on his. 

“Again,” Yuta repeats. 

His mouth claims Jaehyun’s once more, and Jaehyun happily surrenders.

***

For the first time since he began filming, Jaehyun walks onto the set the next day feeling nervous.

Goosebumps rise on his arms unbidden when he thinks about the way Yuta egged him on last night.

"Knew you could do it," Yuta had said by way of explanation, in between softer, sweeter kisses. "You just needed a push. Needed me to rile you up enough to get you out of your head and into your body. It's not that different from kissing a girl, right?"

Jaehyun had nodded in the moment, but privately he disagrees. Kissing Yuta was nothing like kissing any of his ex-girlfriends. _It was better_ , the voice inside of him whispers, but Jaehyun dismisses that thought before it has the chance to fully form. He cannot afford to go there right now. 

“You’ll be fine from now on,” Yuta had assured him when they finally stopped kissing. “We just had to get more comfortable together. Tomorrow we’ll give Director Kim the best kiss scene he’s ever witnessed.”

There was no awkwardness between them when they parted ways, but Jaehyun knows that things can sometimes feel different in the morning. At least he got the sleep that Director Kim recommended, and he’s no longer on the verge of a mental breakdown. Yuta was right. Practicing kissing had definitely boosted his confidence. Plus, he’s a bit too preoccupied with the lingering feeling of Yuta’s hands threading through his hair from last night to wallow in yesterday’s failure.

They won't be shooting the kiss again until tonight, when it gets dark outside, but there are plenty of tasks to keep him busy in the meantime. He joins Naeun in the hair and makeup area after making a pit stop in his dressing room to reassure a fretting Doyoung that he’s feeling better today. Naeun squeezes his hand as he sits down in the chair next to her.

“Chin up,” she encourages him. “It’s a new day. Besides, we have other scenes to film now. Worry about those first.”

“You heard about last night already? Damn, word travels fast.”

“I may have overheard Director Kim earlier this morning,” she says. “I’m sure it’ll be better today.”

Those seem to be the magic words, since he’s heard them about a hundred times since last night.

“Thanks,” he says. “Have you seen Yuta?”

“He and Johnny are doing final checks somewhere over there,” she waves her hand vaguely towards one of the soundstages. “I’m sure you’ll have time to talk with him later about the kiss last night.”

It takes him a second to process that she’s talking about their actual botched kissing scene, and not the way Yuta had him backed up against the dressing room wall last night. 

Which was just for practice, anyway.

The only other scene Jaehyun is filming today is set in Minji’s dorm. She, Minjoong, and Hansung are examining the photos that Hansung took at the stake-out the night before to see if they can find anything suspicious or note-worthy as potential evidence.

They find Yuta at the set of the room where they’ll be filming. He waves them over, and they chat for a few minutes before the director calls for them to get in their places. He shows no signs of awkwardness or hesitation at greeting Jaehyun as he normally would, and Jaehyun relaxes ever so slightly.

He’s not sure why he expected anything different. Yuta is a seasoned professional. He was probably happy to help Jaehyun out as a favor, nothing more. Now they can get the kiss scene over with and move on with their lives and their friendship and the rest of the show.

The group scene goes well, and Jaehyun naps in his dressing room for a couple hours until he has to start getting ready for the kiss scene again. Sometimes he’s grateful that there’s often a lot of down time in between scenes, especially if he’s not in every single one. Butterflies flutter in his stomach in anticipation of the scene they’re going to film tonight, but this time, they’re manageable. 

“Jaehyun,” Director Kim greets him when everyone gathers in front of the building where Hansung and Minjoong will kiss for the first time. “I’ve been doing some thinking after what happened yesterday, and I’ve decided to try a different approach to this scene.”

Jaehyun stops in his tracks. “Oh?”

Yuta shoots him a bemused smile and a shrug, as if to say that he doesn’t know what’s going on either.

“It seemed like you were really in your head about the whole thing,” Director Kim continues, echoing Yuta’s words to him last night. “So right now, I don’t want you to worry about being Hansung. You’ll deliver your lines as you normally would, but when it’s time for the actual kiss, I want you and Yuta to kiss as yourselves, without worrying about staying in character. Just go with the flow.”

Well, that’s certainly not what he was expecting. Yuta merely raises an eyebrow and nods when Jaehyun meets his eyes. 

“I think the scene will go a lot better tonight,” Yuta comments offhandedly. “I have a good feeling.” A light blush colors Jaehyun’s cheeks, though it’s too dark and he has too much stage makeup on for anyone to notice.

Director Kim claps them both on the back. “That’s what I like to hear. Places, everyone!” he calls. 

Yuta faces him as the crew goes through final lighting and camera checks. He gives Jaehyun an encouraging smile.

“Action!” Director Kim shouts.

They deliver their lines leading up to the kiss, and then it’s go time. Yuta steps closer, his eyes searching and full of want, and then he gingerly cups Jaehyun’s cheeks with his hands and presses their lips together.

He knows it should be awkward, with all the cameras rolling and the amount of people watching them right now. But Yuta’s lips are soft against his, and Jaehyun releases whatever residual anxiety he’s been carrying about the scene and lets himself be kissed.

His mouth opens to let Yuta in, and instinctively he brings his hands to Yuta’s waist as Yuta kisses him soft and slow, but with the same intensity he did last night. He momentarily forgets to be Hansung, just like Director Kim told him to, and lets Yuta take the lead. The kiss seems to last forever, though it can’t be more than several seconds. Yuta’s lips linger on his as they gently part.

They come back into their characters to deliver the final lines of dialogue before the scene ends, and Director Kim claps after the cameras have cut.

“Much better,” he says excitedly. “That’s the chemistry I was looking for. I knew you two had it in you.” 

They do the scene several more times just to be safe, but when they wrap for the night, Director Kim looks pleased and more than a little relieved. Everyone claps and congratulates them on a successful shoot. Yuta flashes him a quick smile and a thumbs up, and that’s the end of it.

He texts Doyoung, who had to leave early, that the scene went much better. A part of him wants to wait up for Yuta, but one glance into his dressing room shows that he’s on the phone with someone, so Jaehyun decides to head home for the night.

He wonders if they’re going to talk about it.

They don’t.


	2. Chapter 2

Nothing changes, and yet everything changes.

They both silently agree to chalk it up to a night of high emotions and fear of ruining the kiss scene. Yuta himself had said that it was for practice, and he hasn’t brought it up since. He still goes for walks with Jaehyun when they have a break, still teases him and jokes around and ruffles his hair when they say goodbye most days. Everything is normal. Everything is fine.

Except it’s not.

Sometimes Yuta will look at him for a moment longer than necessary, and Jaehyun will catch himself wondering what Yuta’s lips would taste like if he were to step closer and find out. 

_It’s normal to be curious_ , he rationalizes. _You’d feel the same way if you had been practicing with a female co-star. It doesn’t have to mean anything._

He’s not sure if that’s true, but that’s what he’s telling himself for the time being. 

A couple weeks after their dressing room tryst, he invites Yuta over to the monthly bros night in with his friends. He was serious when he told Yuta that he should hang out with them more often, and this seems like the perfect opportunity. 

“Sure, why not?” Yuta says when Jaehyun asks him. “Maybe I’ll decide that I like your friends better than you this time around.”

“You would never, hyung,” Jaehyun holds his hands to his heart in mock offense. “You like me too much.”

Yuta laughs and slings an arm around him, but he doesn’t reply.

Now, in Jaehyun’s apartment, the five of them sprawl out around the living room after dinner.

“I’m so full,” Ten groans. He looks up from his position lying spread eagle on the floor.

“That’s what you get for ordering pizza and ramen at the same time,” Taeyong says placidly, curled up by himself on the lounge chair.

Jaehyun is sandwiched in between Yuta and Jungwoo on the couch, and he feels extremely self-conscious right now. He can almost convince himself that there's no tension between him and Yuta, but he senses it like an undercurrent buzzing through the air. Yuta has been behaving normally all night, so it has to be on his end. 

Jungwoo digs his vape pen out of his pocket, inhaling and blowing the smoke upwards. "Oh shit, sorry, is this okay?" he asks Yuta. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I know you have a reputation to maintain."

Yuta snorts and holds out his hand in answer. Jungwoo hands him the pen, watching in amusement as Yuta takes the hit, his eyes fluttering shut as he blows the smoke out. Something about the way he does it has Jaehyun feeling a little hot around the collar.

"Well, I guess that settles things," Ten says happily. Yuta laughs and moves to hand it back to Jungwoo, but Jaehyun intercepts him, taking a pull himself before finally returning the pen to its original owner. Yuta watches him curiously, something a little dark and indecipherable in his eyes as the smoke dissolves in the air in front of them. Jaehyun's not much of a smoker, but the rush of nicotine is much appreciated tonight. It dulls the strange feeling that's been crawling through his veins ever since Yuta set foot in his apartment.

They pass the pen back and forth every once in a while, languishing in the post-dinner lull. Jaehyun’s perception grows hazy around the edges, although he’s still cognizant of his surroundings.

They turn on Jaehyun’s gaming console after a while, and he watches in amusement as Yuta shrieks when Jungwoo pulls in front of him during a round of Mario Kart. Yuta proves to be a powerful underdog though, and Jungwoo looks affronted but very much impressed when Yuta sneaks past him at the last second. 

The hours pass in contentment, filled with video games, food, and conversation. Their energy winds down eventually, and his friends finally get ready to file out of his apartment.

“I know you’re older than us, but we’re officially adopting you,” Ten tells Yuta. “Besides, doesn’t a hyung like you need some dongsaengs to spoil?”

“Believe me, we all know how much you like being spoiled,” Taeyong says dryly. 

Ten’s expression morphs into one of mock outrage, and Yuta howls with laughter. 

“Fine, I know when I’m not wanted,” Ten huffs. “We’re leaving now, Jaehyun. See you guys again soon.”

Yuta lingers at the doorway, until it’s just the two of them in Jaehyun’s apartment. 

“I’ll help you clean up,” he says. “Please, I’d like to.”

Jaehyun doesn’t want to argue tonight.

Yuta puts on some music, a Japanese band that Jaehyun’s never heard of, but he bops his head to the music anyway as they wash the dishes.

“Do you go back to Japan often?” Jaehyun asks.

Yuta shakes his head. “I still have family in Osaka, but my parents aren’t that close to their siblings. I want to go back and visit as an adult, but I’m always busy with work, and time keeps getting away from me.”

“That’s understandable,” Jaehyun says. “You were born here, right?”

Yuta nods. “I wish I had a stronger connection to Japan. I speak Japanese with my parents, and I try to keep up with some of the cultural things like music and anime. But it’s not really the same. That’s why I kept my Japanese name when I went into acting. Without it…” he trails off.

“You would be cutting off ties to your heritage,” Jaehyun finishes.

Yuta looks surprised. “Yeah,” he says. “Exactly. How did you know?”

“Because I had the opposite problem.”

Yuta cocks his head. “Oh?”

“I was born Jung Yoonoh,” Jaehyun explains. “After my grandfather. But it never really fit me. I started going by Jaehyun in high school, and after I found out my grandfather did some pretty horrible things, I legally changed it as soon as I became of age.”

“You wanted to distance yourself from the bad things in your family and not be tied down by the past.”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun murmurs. “Something like that.”

The dishes are done, and they stand there in the kitchen. The music has since been turned off, and Jaehyun shifts awkwardly under the weight of the silence.

“Hyung,” he asks unsurely, “we’re okay, right?”

Yuta looks at him like he wants to say something dangerous. There’s a brief moment where Jaehyun thinks he’s going to come closer, like maybe he feels the tension too.

But Yuta merely gives him a tired smile. “Of course, Jaehyun-ah,” he says. “Why wouldn’t we be?” His voice sounds like a piano just barely off key, still melodious but with a vague air of dissonance. Almost perfect, yet not quite right. 

The sound of a car honking blares into the apartment, causing them both to jump, and effectively ruining the moment. Yuta pockets his phone and steps out the door.

“Thanks for having me,” he says. And then he’s gone, leaving Jaehyun’s head spinning as he ponders how nothing really happened, and yet he can’t shake the feeling that something deep-seated has shifted below the surface. 

He closes the door behind him and groans.

***

Yuta says they’re fine, but they’re clearly not fine.

Thankfully, the scenes they’re filming over the next couple weeks are primarily group scenes, and Naeun and Johnny, besides being wonderful co-stars, are also great buffers. Donghyuck isn’t on set as much on account of having less scenes to film, but his antics provide a fun distraction from Jaehyun’s problems whenever their filming schedules coincide. He and Yuta are as friendly as ever, but Jaehyun, for all his emotional ineptitude, knows something is off. 

Director Kim seems to notice it too, because he pulls them aside one night after a long shoot.

“You both are doing fine with your scenes,” he affirms. “But I’m noticing a bit of a disconnect. When you guys are on top of your game, your chemistry is near-perfection. There’s a reason why I cast you opposite one another. But I’m not seeing that chemistry as much now.”

If Yuta is surprised at Director Kim’s perceptiveness, he hides it well. “My apologies, director-nim,” he says. “We’ll work through it, I promise.”

“Good,” says Director Kim. “We have some big scenes with you two coming up, and I need your performances to be flawless. Whatever’s interfering with your dynamic,” he waves his hand vaguely between them, “I’m going to need you to fix it.” 

“Of course,” Jaehyun bows. “I think we’re both a little burnt out. We’ll make sure to rest up and practice harder. We won’t let you down.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about that,” Director Kim laughs. “I know you have it in you. I just want to be transparent, and have this conversation now in case it gets worse. However you work through it is up to you.” He waves them off. 

Jaehyun follows Yuta inside his dressing room and locks the door behind them. 

“You’ve felt it too,” he says, without preamble. “Don’t lie, hyung. I don’t know what this is, but I know you’ve felt the tension too.”

Yuta turns to face him. “Of course I have,” he says. “But what do you want me to do about it, Jaehyun-ah?” His voice catches. “Tell me, what would you have me do?”

His gaze inadvertently drops to Jaehyun’s lips, and Jaehyun has his answer. 

“Kiss me.”

Yuta’s jaw drops.

“Say that again.”

“Kiss me,” Jaehyun repeats.

“Jaehyun-ah,” Yuta sighs, “do you even know what you’re saying?”

“It worked last time, didn’t it?” Jaehyun counters. “It helped us then, so why not now?”

Yuta gives him a dubious look. “This is a terrible idea.”

“Maybe,” Jaehyun acknowledges. “But don’t you want to know?” He raises an eyebrow and meets Yuta’s gaze. “Aren’t you at least a little bit curious to see if I’m right?”

Yuta steps closer, dual expressions of hesitation and want flickering on his face.

“C’mon hyung,” Jaehyun whispers, repeating Yuta’s words back to him from the night they first kissed. “I know you know how.” 

And finally, Yuta snaps.

He flips them so Jaehyun is backed against the dressing room counter and slots their hips together, kissing him fiercely. Jaehyun digs his fingernails into Yuta’s back and gives himself over to pure sensation.

“You just won’t fucking quit, will you,” Yuta growls, running a hand through Jaehyun’s hair and pulling it taut. His body shudders in response, and he tugs at Yuta’s bottom lip in answer. Yuta does something unspeakably sexy with his tongue and Jaehyun gasps into his mouth, every touch setting his skin on fire.

They kiss until their lips ache and their jaws are sore, until Jaehyun’s body is alight with arousal and the feeling of Yuta’s lips is imprinted into his memory like a freshly inked stamp.

“Jesus,” Yuta pants into his mouth when they part at last. “If I knew that’s all it took…” He trails off. His eyes are blown, cheeks flushed with heat. He swallows hard. 

“Told you so,” Jaehyun murmurs. 

Yuta bites back an incredulous laugh. “You’re really something, Jaehyun-ah,” he shakes his head. “You’re really quite something, did you know that?” 

Jaehyun merely kisses him again in answer.

***

After the night in Yuta’s dressing room, it's like a floodgate has been unleashed. 

When Jaehyun shows up to set the next day, he’s unsure of what to expect. There are cast and crew members milling about everywhere, and he doesn’t know whether he’ll get a chance to speak to Yuta alone. But when he knocks on Yuta’s dressing room door, Yuta takes one look at him before deciding to kick his manager out. He mutters something about needing to do a last minute private rehearsal for one of their scenes, and then he’s depositing Jaehyun on the makeup counter and kissing him hard.

It’s the perfect outlet. All of the emotional tension weighing them down transforms into heated gazes and teasing smiles, into anticipatory energy of when the next moment they’ll be alone together will occur. It’s harder on days where they film at the local university or outside of the studio lot and don’t have the privacy of their dressing rooms, but they make it work.

They’re discreet, of course. Two actors from the same drama caught dating would normally cause a buzz, but two actors of the same gender? Their careers would be down the drain before they could even blink. 

Not that they’re dating, of course. 

But sneaking around is its own sort of fun. 

Jaehyun discovers a lot of things over the following weeks. He learns that Yuta’s most sensitive spot is at the junction of his neck and collarbone, and that he loves getting his hair pulled even more than Jaehyun does. He learns that Yuta’s laugh sounds best when it’s murmured against his lips, and how to identify the pleased smile that Yuta tries to hide whenever Jaehyun kisses the Japanese symbol tattooed delicately on the inside of his wrist. 

And perhaps most importantly, he finally confirms that kissing Yuta is much better and extremely different than kissing any of his past girlfriends, that their initial practice session wasn’t just a one-off. The two of them are electric when they come together, two live wires intertwined as one. He’s never felt anything like it.

The only other rule besides not telling anyone seems to be keeping it PG-13. Every time they get a little too flustered or turned on, one of them always cuts it off. Plausible deniability, and all that. Jaehyun can sort of rationalize the kissing—it feels good, they’re having fun, and it improves their chemistry during their scenes together. But if they ever went beyond that…well, then he would have to think about what it all means.

And neither he nor Yuta are eager to burst their shared bubble. 

The furthest they get is Jaehyun taking his shirt off one time after they make sure his dressing room door is locked, because Yuta had insisted on leaving hickeys somewhere no one would find them.

“How do you even look like this,” he murmurs in awe as he sucks bruising kisses across Jaehyun’s chest, hands running up and down his abs. “Jaehyun-ah, you’re gorgeous.”

Yuta’s hushed words send a deep flush down his body. He doesn’t know what to make of the way he feels both bashful and powerful beyond measure upon hearing Yuta’s praise. Yuta reads him like an open book, knows just the right ways to get him so riled up that all coherent thoughts leave his brain.

He doesn’t know how to respond to Yuta’s compliment, so he settles for humor. “Told you they cast me for a reason,” he teases. 

Yuta scoffs and licks his nipple in response, and Jaehyun promptly shuts up.

Of course, the puzzle of figuring out his sexuality remains.

He’s been trying not to contemplate it too much, unsure of where he would even start. Is this the beginning of his bisexual awakening? Is he only attracted to Yuta and not other men? Are he and Yuta simply a short-lived experiment doomed to failure?

He has a headache just thinking about it.

If Ten were here, he would tell Jaehyun that he needs to stop overthinking and just enjoy kissing an attractive man, for god’s sake. But Ten isn’t here right now, so Jaehyun’s going to dig himself deeper into this metaphorical hole for as long as he possibly can and hope it doesn’t lead to an early grave. 

It’s a strange mental shift, no longer thinking about himself as unequivocally straight and therefore different from his friends, but rather as a blank slate with a big bold question mark in the middle. He starts spiraling into a mild panic every time he obsesses over what it all means, so most of the time he tries to avoid thinking altogether.

“I can hear the wheels turning in your brain,” Yuta comments one night. They’re in the backseat of Jaehyun’s car, Yuta’s hand carding through his hair as Jaehyun lays sideways with his head on Yuta’s lap. It’s nearing midnight, and they’re the last ones in the parking lot of the set. Jaehyun’s tinted windows offer them an extra layer of protection, though it’s probably unnecessary given the hour and location.

Jaehyun is quiet for a moment. “Hyung,” he says cautiously, “can I ask you a personal question?”

Yuta hums his approval.

“Are you gay?” 

The hand combing through Jaheyun’s hair pauses, before starting again.

“I like people,” Yuta says eventually. “But I have a much stronger preference for men.” 

“Have you been in a relationship before?”

“Once,” Yuta answers, and something about the way he says it tells Jaehyun not to pry.

“There have been others,” Yuta continues. “You’d be surprised how many closeted people there are in the entertainment industry.” A hint of bitterness creeps into his tone. “But a real relationship? Being in love and shit?” He shakes his head. “Only once.”

Is Jaehyun one of those others, one of those closeted, unnamed people now? He’s not sure if he even qualifies as being closeted, since beyond keeping the actual physicality of his arrangement with Yuta a secret, he’s not exactly sure what identity he would be hiding. 

“I’ve never been in love,” he says. “Most of my exes are actually cool people, not awful, but it never ended up working out for one reason or another. We didn’t exactly choose a profession that made it easy to meet people and fall in love, did we?” 

“No,” Yuta says softly. “No, we didn’t.”

“Are you going to stop kissing me if I tell you I have no idea what I’m doing here?”

“Do you honestly think I know what I’m doing either?” Yuta asks. “I say we figure it out another day.”

And that’s a perfectly acceptable answer for Jaehyun.

When he drops Yuta off at his apartment thirty minutes later, he doesn’t ask to come up, and Yuta doesn’t offer. 

Yuta simply ruffles his head and tells him to get home safe before disappearing into the lobby of his apartment complex.

Things are simple between them, but on the inside Jaehyun feels more conflicted than ever.

***

If their friends notice that anything has changed between them, they show no signs of it.

Yuta doesn't come to every dinner, group outing, or movie night, but he slowly integrates himself into the tapestry of their lives like a newly woven thread.

He goes to noraebang with them, where he gets drunk and dramatically belts out the lyrics to the OST of one of his old dramas. His voice is gorgeous, Jaehyun realizes, and he makes a mental note to ask Yuta to sing for him again when he’s sober. 

Ten dares him to find the most adventurous restaurant in the city, and then in return Yuta dares Ten to order the craziest thing off the menu, while the rest of them observe in disgust. Jaehyun doesn’t want to know what they’re eating, but he can’t look away either. At the end of the night, Yuta treats everyone to ice cream as an apology for making them temporarily lose their appetites. 

Yeah, he fits right in.

Perhaps Jaehyun’s favorite night is when they decide to go bowling. 

“I haven’t done this since I was a kid,” Yuta tells them when they meet up at the bowling alley.

“Really?” Jungwoo asks. “We used to go all the time.”

“Perks of having a bowling alley on our campus,” Jaehyun explains. “Drunk bowling is pretty fun, and was surprisingly not a disaster.”

That gets a laugh out of Yuta, and they make their way inside and lace up their rental shoes. Ten and Taeyong get snacks and drinks for everyone, and they set up camp at the furthest lane from the entrance.

Yuta’s first attempt at bowling fails miserably. They all laugh as the ball rolls almost immediately into the gutter. Taeyong manages to hit a couple pins, though he’s not much better than Yuta, Ten knocks down a solid five, and Jungwoo gets a spare.

When it’s finally Jaehyun’s turn, he rolls up his sleeves and adjusts his grip on the bowling ball. The ball spins down the lane, knocking down all the pins. The word “strike” flashes across the screen in bright block letters, and his friends whoop and cheer.

Yuta’s eyes bug out.

“I told you,” Jaehyun says. “I’m a pro at drunk bowling. And we’re not even drunk yet, so this is the easy part.”

Yuta looks grudgingly impressed. 

It’s his turn again, and Jaehyun takes pity on him. “Here,” he says. “Like this.” He puts his hands on Yuta’s hips and adjusts his stance. “Keep your eye on the target,” he whispers in Yuta’s ear. “Keep your wrist straight, relax, and let go.”

“Should we play pool next?” Yuta teases. “I can pretend to be horrible and you can teach me how to use my stick.”

“Something tells me you don’t need any help with your stick,” Jaehyun mutters. Yuta merely cackles and chucks the ball down the straightaway. 

The ball stays out of the gutter this time around, taking a few pins down before disappearing into the ball return. Jaehyun counts it as a win.

It’s a night of simple pleasures, of fruity soju and boisterous laughter. Yuta’s thigh feels warm pressed against his own, and Jaehyun allows himself to imagine for a moment that they’re just regular people without any outside pressures or responsibilities. Would he take Yuta’s hand in his own and delight in watching his friends freak out? Or maybe he and Yuta would never even be in this situation in the first place, and Jaehyun would continue down his path of compulsory heterosexuality, never once daring to imagine that he could feel something remotely romantic for another man.

His friends break him out of his musings by tugging him up out of his seat and towards the arcade.

“C’mon,” Ten says excitedly. “It’s time for Dance Dance Revolution.”

“He and Taeyong are beasts at DDR,” Jaehyun tells Yuta. “Seriously, don’t mess with them. It’s pretty fun to watch, honestly.”

The game machine has two platforms of colored arrows, so Taeyong and Ten go head to head in fierce competition, grasping onto the bars on the sides of the machine for balance. They’re all howling with laughter by the end of it, watching their usually graceful friends flail about as they try to sabotage each other’s success.

Ten claims victory at last, and Yuta steps up to challenge him.

“You sure about that?” Jaehyun asks. He knows how competitive Ten can get.

“Are you kidding me?” Yuta grins, an air of confidence returning to his face. “DDR was a rite of passage for me growing up.” He selects Sugar Free by T-ARA at the highest difficulty level and two times the speed.

“A bold move,” Ten says. “I respect it.”

The song starts, and Jaehyun finds out that Yuta has a hidden talent of his own. His feet fly across the blue and pink arrows, reaction times even faster than Jaehyun anticipated.

“Holy shit,” Jungwoo laughs. “He might actually beat Ten.” 

“I would like to see it,” Taeyong mutters, still huffing from his recent loss. 

Ten and Yuta’s feet stomp on the arrows in unison as the last chorus of the song ramps up in intensity, and then Yuta’s finally jumping up and down in victory, shrieking in laughter even as he’s gasping for air. 

Jaehyun might be a little bit in love.

Yuta gives Ten a conciliatory hug. “Better luck next time,” he grins.

“Yuta-hyung just became the most powerful person in our friend group,” Taeyong whistles in amazement. “Besides, it was about time someone knocked Ten down a few pegs.”

“You’re just bitter because I beat you,” Ten shoots back, but there’s no heat behind his words. 

They laugh and jostle each other around until one of the employees informs them that it’s closing time, and politely kicks them out of the establishment. They stumble onto the street, a little tipsy and tired, but satisfied with a successful night of fun.

Yuta’s smile shines bright like an infectious beacon of light, and Jaehyun thinks this might be his favorite version of him. Vivacious, laughter spilling out from the deepest corners of his lungs, free from the cares of the world. Filled with the joy of tonight and the promise of tomorrow.

Yuta turns around to meet his eyes, and they share a secret smile while their friends aren’t looking.

How lovely it is, Jaehyun thinks, to see the best parts of himself reflected in Yuta’s warm gaze.

***

So Jaehyun definitely has a tiny crush on Nakamoto Yuta. 

It’s not the kissing that helps him realize this, nor is it the way that he’s constantly thinking about Yuta whenever they’re not together. 

He realizes this because of a late night text and an oversized plate of spaghetti.

It’s 9 pm on a Saturday night, and he’s contemplating whether to order takeout or try to throw something together from the meager ingredients in his fridge. His phone buzzes, distracting him from his weekend binge of the latest anime that Yuta recommended to him.

 **Yuta**  
_hey so i know it’s a little late to be texting_  
_but i just made a huge plate of spaghetti and realized there’s no way i can finish it all by myself_  
_come over and help me fulfill my Lady and the Tramp dreams?_

It catches Jaehyun off guard. Is Yuta luring him over to his apartment for sex under the guise of free food? Or does he just want to use Jaehyun’s bottomless pit of a stomach as a human garbage can? 

_He probably just wants to spend time with you, dumbass_ , the voice inside him chides. _He’s not gonna pressure you to stay the night. Get off your ass and go eat some carbs_.

**Jaehyun**  
_give me 30 mins and i’m there_

His heart is beating faster than normal when he knocks on Yuta’s door, unsure of what to expect.

He needn’t have worried. Yuta is wearing a chef’s apron over a black Henley t-shirt, with his hair tied back at his neck. He looks slightly overwhelmed, and more than a little relieved by Jaehyun’s arrival.

“Oh thank god,” he says. “I really thought I was going to have to eat all of this by myself.”

Jaehyun follows him into his apartment, immediately catching a whiff of basil and tomato sauce.

“Oh god, what did you do?” He laughs in disbelief. The kitchen is a mess, although it looks like Yuta was in the middle of trying to clean up when he arrived. Various ingredients and kitchen appliances are strewn about across the countertop, and Yuta dabs at a tomato sauce stain on his apron with a paper towel. A steaming pile of spaghetti sits swirling in a large serving dish on the table nearby. 

“Well, I was supposed to have company tonight,” Yuta says sheepishly. “Some of my acting hyungs were gonna come over, but two of them had to cancel, so we just decided to reschedule altogether. Which is fine, but I was already in the middle of making dinner. Thank god you’re here to rescue me.” 

“I thought you were a good cook,” Jaehyun snorts.

“When it comes to Japanese and Korean food, sure,” Yuta says. “But I’m not used to cooking Italian.”

“How hard can pasta and sauce be?”

Yuta huffs a laugh. “Trying to make sauce from scratch probably wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. 

“Ah, it all makes sense now,” Jaehyun grins. “You’re such an overachiever. C’mon, I’ll help you clean up.”

When they finally sit down with their food fifteen minutes later, Yuta looks much more relaxed. He pours a big glass of wine for himself and a small one for Jaehyun since he’s driving tonight, and they clink their drinks together in a toast.

“Aren’t you going to play Lady and the Tramp with me?” Yuta asks.

Jaehyun wrinkles his nose. “I don’t think that actually works in real life.”

Yuta gives him a pleading look.

“However, I will give you a kiss if you ask for it,” Jaehyun laughs. He likes this playful side of Yuta, uncharacteristically pouty and cute.

Yuta leans over the table, and Jaehyun meets him halfway.

“Okay, enough,” he teases. “Eat now, kiss later.”

Yuta looks satisfied by this compromise. “I’m gonna hold you to that,” he says.

The spaghetti turns out to be delicious, rich in flavor from the homemade tomato sauce. The conversation flows easily, and Jaehyun is captivated by the man sitting in front of him. Yuta listens intently as Jaehyun updates him with his latest thoughts on the anime he was watching earlier, which evolves into a discussion on the latest music they’re listening to. Yuta likes the music Jaehyun has shown him so far, although he’s more partial to upbeat songs in general. Jaehyun vows to turn him into a sadcore enthusiast one of these days. 

At some point in the night, when the spaghetti has finally been polished off, Yuta reaches his hand across the table and laces their fingers together. Even Jaehyun knows that the gesture is romantic as hell, but he finds himself not minding. There’s a certain comfortable intimacy to their interactions, and the fact that Yuta has been making him swoon lately is something that he’s been slowly accepting as normal, perhaps even inevitable. 

They eventually bring their dishes into the kitchen in an attempt to clean up, but that effort soon gets thwarted by Yuta hopping up on the counter and wrapping his legs around Jaehyun’s waist and his arms around Jaehyun’s neck.

“Thanks for helping me finish the spaghetti,” he murmurs, pressing his forehead against Jaehyun’s. “Here’s your reward.”

Jaehyun beats him to it and brushes their lips together. Yuta’s lips are soft yet firm against his, and he hums contentedly when Jaehyun deepens the kiss. Jaehyun breaks it only to trail kisses up and down Yuta’s neck as he tightens his grip around Yuta’s waist, but before long Yuta is cupping his jaw and bringing Jaehyun’s mouth back to his.

They make out in the kitchen for what feels like ages, simply basking in each other’s presence and taking their time with each other. When Jaehyun’s phone alarm interrupts them, telling him to go to bed so he can get up and go to the gym tomorrow, Yuta finally detaches his mouth from Jaehyun’s and guides him to the door. 

“I don’t want to say goodbye either, but I probably need my beauty sleep anyways,” he says. “Besides, I don’t want you to be too tired to drive home.”

So he’s not inviting Jaehyun to sleep over. A part of Jaehyun is relieved, though his prior anxiety about the possibility has faded into a careful neutrality. He’s not sure how far he would be willing to go sexually anyhow, but waking up with Yuta next to him doesn’t sound like the worst way to start his morning. 

“I wasn’t sure if you were gonna ask me to stay over,” he admits. 

“What, you thought I was going to put out on the first date?” Yuta teases. “Very presumptuous of you, Jaehyun-ah.”

“How the hell was I supposed to know,” Jaehyun mumbles. Wait, this was actually a date? He’s too tired to consider the implications of that.

Yuta cups his face gently with both hands, kissing him on each cheek and then once more on his lips.

“Goodnight,” he murmurs. “Get home safe.”

Jaehyun wanders back to his car with a foolish smile on his face, lips still tingling from the sweetness of Yuta’s kiss.

Yeah, he’s completely, utterly screwed. 

***

It all comes to a head in Jeju. 

The main cast and most of the crew fly out from Gimpo International Airport on a Monday afternoon to film special scenes for the last episode on Jeju Island’s pristine beaches. It’s finally summer break in the storyline of the show, and the characters are celebrating the mystery being solved at last, with Donghyuck’s character finally being revealed as the culprit. The characters are taking advantage of the beach setting to act in an exceedingly romantic manner with their respective love interests, and Director Kim is taking advantage of the last days of summer to film before it gets too cold. 

They have a couple more scenes left to film when they get back to Seoul, most notably the breakup scene between his and Yuta’s characters that takes place before the beach vacation, but right now Jaehyun is grateful that they’re filming things out of order. He could use a change of pace and a little breather, even though he’ll be working for the majority of the trip. 

He gets randomly seated next to Naeun on the flight, who insists on the window seat but puts on an hour-long video by the ASMR youtuber she currently has a crush on (Jaehyun decides not to ask) and passes out almost immediately. Well, there go his plans for social interaction.

“Let’s go over your schedule for the trip,” Doyoung says from across the aisle. 

He’s been avoiding Doyoung recently, though not to the point where he would look suspicious. Doyoung isn’t on set with him 24/7, but he still plays a fairly important role in Jaehyun’s day-to-day activities, and Jaehyun feels bad for keeping him out of the loop. But sacrifices must be made for the sake of privacy. He doesn’t think Doyoung would judge him for it, but anyone else finding out is just one more person he would have to keep track of.

The flight is only an hour, and he and Doyoung pass the time by chatting about the three days they’ll be spending in Jeju. Johnny and Naeun will film their couple scenes first, and he and Yuta will film theirs afterwards. They have a few group scenes interspersed between each couple’s storyline, but the main focus is on the romance. A fluffy end to a suspenseful show.

He hopes he’ll be able to explore, or at the very least have some down time to enjoy the scenery while they aren’t filming. 

The plane touches down soon enough, and they make their way to baggage claim and then to the transportation area outside, where a shuttle chauffeurs them to the hotel. Their hotel is merely a block from the beach, and Jaehyun files that information away for later.

“Our rooms are right across from each other,” Doyoung says. “Everyone else is scattered throughout the hotel. Unpack your things, take a nap or something, and we’ll regroup for dinner with the crew later, okay?”

“Yes dad,” Jaehyun grumbles. Doyoung mutters something about him being an ungrateful child before disappearing into his room across the hall. 

He’s barely seen Yuta all day, but that was to be expected during a hectic day of travel and being surrounded by other people. He decides to follow Doyoung’s advice and take a short nap, figuring that he’ll either see Yuta at dinner with everyone else or they’ll meet up at some point later.

Doyoung eventually knocks on his door to fetch him for dinner, and they make their way across the street to the local cafe that one of the producers chose for them earlier. 

Yuta isn’t there, and neither is Johnny, but Naeun greets him with a smile, and he slides into the booth next to her. 

“Did you do any exploring?” he asks.

“There’s a cool lookout spot on the cliffs a few miles down,” she says. “I think we might actually film there tomorrow.”

Jaehyun makes a mental note to look it up later.

It’s a small group of them, with some other crew members apparently deciding to split off and explore before joining them for dinner, but it’s cozier this way. He’s able to get to know some of the crew members that he’s been working with over the last few months, and has the chance to catch up with Kun, the assistant producer he met at Yuta’s bonding party all those weeks ago. It wasn’t actually that long ago, but so much has happened since then that it feels like forever.

Dinner is an enjoyable affair, filled with fresh seafood and the sound of live music from the bar next door. He catches a glimpse of the ocean through the window of the restaurant, and he itches to dig his toes in the sand. But by the time they exit the restaurant, darkness has fallen, and Jaehyun’s not about to go out there alone. He knows Doyoung won’t do it, so he turns and follows the group back to the hotel.

He watches some more anime when he gets back to his room, and lazes around on his phone for a couple of hours. He’s about to start getting ready for bed when he gets a text.

**Yuta**  
_you up?_  
_meet me in the lobby in 10 mins_

**Jaehyun**  
_???_  
_it’s 11 pm hyung wdym_

**Yuta**  
_just trust me_  
_oh and bring a jacket_

Yuta immediately stands up from the chair he’s sitting in when Jaehyun emerges from the elevator into the deserted lobby.

“What’s going on?” Jaehyun asks. “Where are you taking me?”

Yuta grins at him. “Let’s go for a walk.” 

Jaehyun is still confused, but he follows Yuta outside and down the street, where the entrance to the beach awaits. 

“Oh,” he breathes. “I wanted to come here earlier, but no one wanted to go because it was too dark.”

“Good thing you’ve got me,” Yuta says. He takes Jaehyun’s hand and pulls him towards the water, and Jaehyun lets himself be guided in whichever direction Yuta wants to lead.

The full moon sheds light on the water, and the artificial light from the buildings along the oceanfront adds to the visibility of the beach in front of them. The beach is empty, and the sleepy town behind them has long turned in for the night. Even so, Jaehyun looks around cautiously, half-expecting some rabid fan or paparazzi to pop up from behind the sand dunes and start taking pictures. He’s not famous enough to be recognized this far from Seoul, but Yuta certainly is. 

But their surroundings are devoid of any humans besides the two of them, so he relaxes and enjoys the feeling of Yuta’s hand in his, even if he can only have it late at night on an island far away from his regular life.

“Isn’t it peaceful?” Yuta sighs happily, swinging their hands together. “And romantic.” He leans into Jaehyun’s side, and Jaehyun squeezes his hand tightly. 

“Yeah,” he says. “It’s a beautiful night.” 

_You’re beautiful_.

Yuta pecks his lips one, two, three times.

“Okay, now strip.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“We’re going swimming,” Yuta says, as if it’s obvious.

Jaehyun gives him an incredulous stare. 

“Come on, live a little,” says Yuta. He takes his shirt off and moves to unbutton his shorts.

“Are we skinny dipping?” 

“You can if you want,” Yuta smirks. “I wouldn’t mind the view. But I’m leaving my boxers on.”

“I hate you,” Jaehyun mutters, and shucks his jacket and shirt off too. 

Yuta grins. “Race you.”

The water is icy around Jaehyun’s ankles as they dive into the darkness. But thankfully, instead of large, potentially dangerous, crashing waves, this particular beach is calm, with only harmless ripples foaming along the shoreline. 

Yuta’s head pops up from underwater, and he whoops in delight as he splashes water at Jaehyun. 

“I hope you know that if a shark decides to attack, no one is coming to save us,” Jaehyun complains, but Yuta’s enthusiasm is contagious. 

The full moon casts a shimmering glow on Yuta’s features. He looks angelic tonight, and when he draws Jaehyun into a sweet kiss, Jaehyun is pretty sure he’s in heaven.

They float in blissful solitude, just the two of them kissing and talking until their teeth start to chatter and their skin begins to prune. 

When they finally drag themselves out of the water and back to the hotel, Jaehyun collapses on his bed after a hot shower with a strange feeling welling up in his heart that he doesn’t quite know how to place. He falls asleep thinking about the moonlight dancing on the sparkling sea and Yuta’s hand intertwined firmly with his.

***

They’re filming on a private beach today, rented out from the owner of the property so no one will disturb the shoot.

In the show, the two couples are on a double date, taking a break from their individual couple activities to reconvene as a group. 

“Action!” Director Kim yells.

The group picnic on the beach commences, and Jaehyun knows they can’t fuck the scene up too much since they’re actually eating the food. Naeun feeds Johnny a grape, and Yuta slings an arm around him as they deliver their dialogue. The camera crew also gets some extra footage of them laughing and talking, which Jaehyun assumes will eventually be spliced together as a montage with a happy soundtrack playing in the background.

At a certain point in the scene, Yuta gets up and offers his hand to Jaehyun, and their romantic walk on the beach begins. It’s a beautiful sunny day, and the ocean shimmers bright and blue ahead of them. A perfectly picturesque day to film. Jaehyun understands why Director Kim chose to fly them here instead of to Busan or another town along the coast. 

Jaehyun pretends the camera in his face is simply an extension of himself, a mental trick he often uses to get more comfortable filming. He turns to face Yuta, the cameraman backing up to get a wide shot, before zooming in close again. 

It’s his turn to bring Yuta’s mouth to his for the final kiss of the series. He hears the vague buzz of a drone circling above him for an overhead shot, but he tunes all of the white noise out and focuses on giving Director Kim the most romantic kiss he’s ever seen. It’s easy, with Yuta so attuned to his body language in real life, to translate that to a drama scene, even with all of the cameras and crew members watching them right now.

“Cut!” Director Kim finally yells after several minutes of them walking down the beach and kissing again and again. Jaehyun’s sure that there are now all sorts of different shots to have as options for the final cut.

Yuta gives him a congratulatory high five, though he squeezes Jaehyun’s hand a little longer than usual, and then one of the stylists is ushering him off to the side to retouch his makeup.

“You guys did well,” Doyoung says from his chair in the makeshift tent when Jaehyun walks over. Jaehyun doesn’t get much of a chance to rest though. Before long, he’s being called back to a group scene where Naeun and Johnny’s characters are still enjoying the picnic.

The next day and a half is primarily spent filming on the beach, although they use the town as a backdrop to film some cute coupley montages of them doing other activities, like shopping in the artisan markets and riding a Moped on the coastal highway. 

Jaehyun is exhausted by the filming schedule, but he’s also appreciative that he gets to enjoy the sunshine and the scenic ocean views before they all fly back to Seoul tomorrow.

It’s the night before their flight, and Jaehyun is lounging around in his hotel room, wondering if he’s going to see Yuta before he falls asleep.

As he’s brushing his teeth, his phone dings.

**Yuta**  
_i have something for you. come over?_  
_room 201_

**Jaehyun**  
_on my way_

He grabs his phone and his room key, and lets the door swing shut behind him as he heads for the elevator on the other side of the hall.

“Hey stranger,” Yuta greets him as Jaehyun slips in through the doorway. 

He kisses Yuta hello, and they move to sit across from each other on the bed.

“Missed you,” he murmurs.

Yuta shoots him a perplexed look. “You saw me today.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t _seen_ you since Monday night.” 

“Well in that case, let me make it up to you,” Yuta grins, and before Jaehyun can fully process what’s happening, Yuta is pressing him down into the mattress and fitting their lips together. Jaehyun laughs into the kiss, and meets him halfway.

It’s the first time they’re doing this on an actual bed, and Jaehyun soon finds out that he much prefers this to a dressing room, though he’ll make do with whatever he can get. He shifts under Yuta and opens his legs to hook them around Yuta’s waist, and _oh_ , that’s so much better. Heat starts to pool below his lower belly as Yuta slips his tongue in and deepens the kiss.

“Shit,” he pants, as Yuta moves down to suck hickeys against his collarbone. Yuta’s hips jerk forward when Jaehyun digs his fingers into his back, and all too soon he’s pulling back before Jaehyun can protest.

They sit up, breathing heavily. It’s only been a few minutes, but Jaehyun is sure he looks disheveled already. Was the kissing too intense for Yuta? The lines between them have been blurred for a while now. He’s not sure how far they’re going to allow themselves to go.

“I have something for you,” Yuta says. He reaches over to grab a small black box from the bedside table, and for an absurd split second, Jaehyun thinks there’s a ring inside. But Yuta opens it to reveal a pair of tiny silver hoop earrings, the kind that just barely go below his earlobe. 

Yuta takes one earring and clasps it around his own ear, before sliding the other one through Jaehyun’s.

Couple earrings. Yuta got them couple earrings.

“It doesn’t have to be serious,” Yuta mumbles. “I just wanted us to have something cute—”

Jaehyun cuts him off with a searing kiss. 

Yuta responds immediately, groaning into his mouth as their lips move together. Jaehyun has no idea how to express the emotions bubbling up inside of him, so instead he presses further into Yuta in hopes that he’ll understand.

It’s his turn to flip Yuta around and slot their hips together, sucking Yuta’s bottom lip into his mouth as he inadvertently grinds his hips down. He rucks up Yuta’s shirt, and Yuta breaks the kiss to sit up again.

“Are we really doing this?” he pants. “Jaehyun-ah, don’t play with me.”

“I want to,” Jaehyun whispers back. “I’m ready. Do you want to?”

“Only if it’s real. We can’t pretend it doesn’t mean anything anymore.”

Jaehyun nods. “I don’t want to pretend anymore,” he says. “I want this too.”

“I’ve wanted you since the day I fucking met you,” Yuta breathes, and oh god, Jaehyun has absolutely no idea how to process that one. His head is spinning as he thinks about all the times Yuta’s eyes lingered on him longer than they should, all the tight smiles and unreadable expressions on his face. It’s so obvious, and yet Jaehyun was so wrapped up in his own head, so oblivious to anyone else’s reality other than his own, that only now are the puzzle pieces starting to fit themselves together in his mind.

But they’re here now, soaking in each other’s presence, and Jaehyun feels heady with want, breathing in the scent of Yuta’s cologne. 

He peels both of their shirts off in between kisses, and Yuta looks at him with equal amounts of love and lust in his eyes. 

He clambers into Yuta’s lap and grinds down experimentally. Yuta’s hands firmly grip his waist, and he guides Jaehyun’s rhythm as their hips meet. 

“Jesus, how the fuck do you look this good,” Yuta hisses. He runs his hands up and down Jaehyun’s bare chest, as if committing the feeling of Jaehyun’s skin to memory. “Do you even know?” he asks Jaehyun, voice catching. “Do you even know what you’re doing to me?”

The knowledge that Yuta sees him like that sends a warm flush down his body.

“Show me,” he murmurs. “Show me what I do to you.”

And Yuta does just that. 

He takes Jaehyun apart slowly, kissing every inch of his body as he works his way down to Jaehyun’s waist. He pulls Jaehyun’s boxers down and dips his tongue into the curve of Jaehyun’s hipbones, before sinking his mouth down onto his cock. Jaehyun’s heart stutters at the sensation.

It’s no different than any other blowjob he’s received, except everything with Yuta is better. Yuta knows how to flick his tongue and hollow his cheeks just right, knows which areas to play with that reduce Jaehyun into an absolute mess. 

“You’re beautiful,” Yuta breathes, and then he’s sucking hard, and Jaehyun can do nothing but writhe beneath him. 

There are warning signs flashing in his brain that it shouldn’t feel this good, but he pushes them down in favor of being consumed by unadulterated sensation. He cards a hand through Yuta’s hair as Yuta swallows around him, causing his hips to involuntarily jerk up. Yuta licks up and down, never once breaking eye contact, and shit, Jaehyun's not gonna last long if he keeps this up.

Yuta pulls off him with a pop, lips red and slick with spit. 

“How far do you want to go?” he whispers. “Because I can keep sucking you off. But if you want more than that, you gotta tell me.”

“I want you to come inside me.”

“Fucking Christ, Jaehyun-ah,” Yuta hisses. “You can’t just say shit like that.”

“Can’t I?”

“You’re a menace,” Yuta shakes his head. “C’mon, turn around. I’m gonna open you up, yeah?”

The first finger is strange. Jaehyun’s never done this to himself, but Yuta talks him through it, helps him relax with his honeyed words and calming touch. It hurts a little, but Yuta is patient, and soon he begins to loosen, the discomfort fading away. He doesn't exactly feel like a changed man now that he's officially had something up his ass, but he knows Yuta doesn't want to overwhelm him, and he's grateful for his willingness to take it slow. Yuta slips another finger in, crooks his hand to reach that sensitive spot inside of him, and Jaehyun tenses up. Yuta is touching him in places he didn’t even know he wanted to be touched. 

"You're so tight," Yuta whispers, almost reverently. Yuta doesn't have a shred of arrogance in him, but Jaehyun can imagine that it's a little bit of an ego trip for Yuta to be the first one to do this to him.

It takes a while: Yuta is being extra cautious, making sure he's comfortable and stretched enough, not wanting to do too much too fast, but eventually he’s ready. Yuta kisses him hard, rolling on a condom and slicking himself up with more lube, and then he’s turning Jaehyun on his back and gently pushing into him. Just the tip at first, while Jaehyun clenches down, getting used to the sensation, but then he goes inch by inch until Jaehyun is full. 

Yuta stills, waiting for him to adjust, breath catching as Jaehyun meets his gaze. "You're fucking perfect," he says, and finally Jaehyun gives him the go-ahead.

Yuta’s thrusts are shallow at first, tentative and gentle. But Jaehyun can’t fight back the sounds coming out of his mouth, and Yuta takes that as his cue to up the ante.

“Yes,” Jaehyun groans. One of his hands splays out across Yuta’s back, the other holding on tightly as Yuta snaps his hips into him.

The foreign feeling of having something inside him soon subsides, replaced with nothing but heat and pleasure.

“You’re so good for me,” Yuta murmurs into his skin. “Doing so well, Jaehyun-ah.”

Jaehyun surrenders to the sensations, lets Yuta fuck into him and bring them both to the point where they’re panting and shaking, bodies trembling against each other. He wonders if it's this intense all the time. He can't remember feeling this way with any of his exes or past hookups, but his brain is a little fried from the way Yuta is pounding into him to think too much about anything other than what's happening right now.

Yuta pulls his hair and bites his earlobe just the way he likes it. When Jaehyun finally comes, it’s with a shudder and a groan, gasping into Yuta’s neck as Yuta chases his own orgasm. 

They fall asleep next to each other, spent and satiated, their bodies tangled together in the hotel room sheets.

***

Jaehyun wakes up tired, disoriented, and sore. 

He slowly becomes cognizant of Yuta’s sleeping form next to him, and a tightness pulls at his chest as he starts to process the events of last night. 

_We can’t pretend it doesn’t mean anything anymore_.

The words sounded so good falling from Yuta’s lips last night, but now something ugly twists inside his stomach, something nervous and cowardly. He feels emotionally hungover, overwhelmed by the phantom feeling of Yuta’s touch against his skin and the memory of the commitment he made last night.

 _I don’t want to pretend anymore_.

Can he honestly say he meant that?

He rolls over to check his phone.

**Doyoung**  
_jaehyun-ah where are you  
i tried knocking on your door but you didn’t answer  
we have to get ready for the airport  
we’re leaving on the earlier flight with some of the crew, remember?  
the other half of the cast/crew is flying out later  
pls tell me you didn’t forget  
are you okay?  
where are you?  
hello???_

Jaehyun swears under his breath.

He thinks about how Yuta looked at him last night, in an intoxicating way that he doesn’t know how to handle in the stark light of day. He thinks about how anyone could have heard them through the hotel walls last night, how his career could be ruined just as it’s finally taking off. He thinks about how he can no longer deny that he’s attracted to men, and how fucking reckless he’s been thinking he could ignore it and one day it would magically disappear.

And suddenly the world comes crashing down around him and the tightness in his chest becomes too much. The urge to flee overpowers any rational thoughts of staying and talking it out, and in a fit of near-nausea, he grabs his clothes and shuts the door behind him, fumbling for his phone to text Doyoung back.

**Jaehyun**  
_ahh sorry hyung i overslept  
i had my earplugs in so i didn’t hear you knocking or my alarm  
my bad  
i’ll meet you in the hall in 20_

He gets back to his room and shoves his clothes in his suitcase, including Yuta’s earring. He does one last check around the room for any items he might have missed, and then he lets the door slam behind him as he steps out into the hallway.

“Are you okay?” Doyoung frowns when he surveys Jaehyun’s appearance. “You look kind of pale, Jaehyun-ah.”

“Fine,” Jaehyun grits out. “Just stressed from oversleeping.”

Doyoung doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t push it either. 

Jaehyun knows it’s irrational, that he should make up an excuse to go find Yuta and apologize for ditching him this morning, but his feet are rooted to the ground and his body feels paralyzed by indecision and fear.

As he follows Doyoung and some of the other crew members into the shuttle back to the airport and through security, he’s grateful that he’s on a different flight back to Seoul than Yuta. He’s not sure if he could face him right now and endure the utter disappointment he’s sure Yuta is feeling.

He passes the fuck out on the plane ride, and when he gets home, he orders takeout and curls up on his bed in a fetal position, finally letting himself shake with the sobs he’s been choking down all day. He hasn’t cried in ages, and the tears make his head swim with exhaustion and anxiety.

When his eyes finally dry and his shoulders stop heaving, he pulls out his phone to text Yuta.

**Jaehyun**  
_i’m sorry._  
_i thought i could do it._  
_i’m really, really sorry._

As expected, Yuta doesn’t respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor jaehyun :/ his thought process will be explored more in the last chapter, but hopefully his decisions made sense to y'all. sorry to end on an angsty note, but rest assured there will be a happy ending. our homeboy jaehyun just has some things to work through first! i also purposely kept the smut pretty light, but things get a little spicy next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **minor content warning for chapter 3:** a few instances of lightly homophobic/misogynistic comments, but no slurs of any kind, and it's in a very short-lived flashback scene.

Dragging himself out of bed and to the set at 6 am on Monday morning is a nearly insurmountable task. 

His stomach twists in knots at the thought of seeing Yuta today. How is he supposed to face him?

Stopping at the local coffee shop a block away from his apartment is a part of his morning routine he usually looks forward to, but today he just wants to get some caffeine in his system and get this week over with. It’s the last major week of filming. The crew still has to film some final shots of building exteriors and extra scenery, but they don’t require actors to be there, meaning Jaehyun will be done by the end of the day on Friday.

It’s a weird feeling. He knows he should be cherishing this time and making the most of this last week filming the show, but instead he just wants it to be done so he doesn’t have to see Yuta again. Well, until press and promotions start. 

“You look like shit,” Doyoung tells him when he gets to set. 

“Please,” Jaehyun says in between sips of coffee, “don’t remind me.”

The makeup and hair people make him look presentable, thank god, but Jaehyun still feels like he just climbed out of a sewer. 

He doesn’t actually see Yuta until the afternoon. He’s not sure what to expect, but Yuta wears an impassive expression when Jaehyun joins him at the filming location, never once losing his composure. _Of course_ , Jaehyun thinks. _He’s an experienced actor, after all_.

Jaehyun musters up his last remaining shred of professionalism and braces himself for the awful day ahead. 

“Places!” Director Kim calls, after what seems like an eternity.

Yuta’s voice is sweet when he delivers his lines, devoid of any stiffness or awkwardness that Jaehyun knows will be there when they’re not in character. Jaehyun gives as good as he gets, and they manage to get through the scene without any major mishaps. It’s supposed to be a fluffy scene, the last major one before their dramatic break-up that they’re filming on Thursday, and Jaehyun knows they need to be convincing so it doesn’t mess up their performance.

It would be incredible how fast Yuta breaks character, once Director Kim calls cut for the last time, if it didn’t hurt so much. He immediately turns away from Jaehyun and back to his manager, so Jaehyun does the same. 

Yuta’s chilly demeanor persists the whole week. It would have been better if he had yelled, if he had screamed and cried and told Jaehyun how awful he was. Jaehyun would have deserved it. But the silent treatment is infinitely worse. 

Jaehyun nearly reaches a breaking point on Thursday when they film the breakup scene. Before Jeju, he had been grateful that some scenes were being filmed out of order, as is often the case on TV shows, but now he wishes that they had gotten this over with before he went and fucked everything up.

It’s too easy to slip into his character. He’s already in the headspace of a breakup, so the transition is effortless. In the scene they’re filming, Minjoong thinks Hansung has been lying to him the whole time, and is actually in cahoots with the criminal they are trying to catch, even though he’s actually innocent. 

“I trusted you,” Yuta seethes, and the venom with which he delivers his line is so fierce that Jaehyun is momentarily taken aback.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun whispers, and the catch in his voice isn’t even scripted. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t do it, I swear.” 

Yuta scoffs. “Go,” he says, and the derision in his tone pierces the depths of Jaehyun’s heart. “I don’t want to see you again.”

Jaehyun’s bottom lip trembles, feet frozen. 

“Leave!” Yuta yells, and Jaehyun backs away slowly, finally turning and walking away. The camera pans to his tearstained face. Jaehyun thinks he’s a rather ugly crier, but that’s what was (thankfully) in the script. He doesn’t even need to think about some tragedy in the world to muster up the tears. They slide down easily, and Jaehyun is glad that he can use filming as an excuse for his display of emotions, though only he and Yuta know just how real his feelings are.

Director Kim nods approvingly after they cut for the last time, commending them on an emotional and realistic performance. 

Somehow, they make it through the day of filming. Jaehyun only has one more scene tomorrow before it’s a wrap, and he’s regretful that this project is ending on such a somber, anticlimactic note.

By the time he makes it back to his dressing room in the evening, he’s both physically and emotionally wiped.

He knows it’s a terrible idea, that he’s probably a masochist judging by how quickly his feet take him to Yuta’s dressing room, but once he bids Doyoung goodbye for the night, he finds himself knocking anyway. 

Yuta opens the door, and immediately tries to slam it shut when he sees who it is. But Jaehyun is faster, and he pushes it open before Yuta can get it all the way closed. 

“Please,” he begs. Yuta doesn’t look happy, but his grip finally loosens on the door handle, and Jaehyun lets himself in.

“I’m sorry,” he says miserably. “You have every right to be mad at me. Tell me how awful I am. I can take it.”

Jaehyun steels himself for the barrage of Yuta’s fury, but Yuta merely raises a disdainful eyebrow. 

“That’s what you think I want?” he asks, like he’s genuinely disappointed that’s all Jaehyun could come up with. “You want me to tell you that what you did was terrible and you should hate yourself? You don’t need me to do that. You’re already telling yourself that anyway.” 

It’s almost physically painful for Jaehyun to witness the detached, contemptuous expression on Yuta’s face. 

“What do you want, then?”

“For you to stop lying to me, and to yourself.”

Jaehyun has no idea how to respond to that. He hates the way Yuta looks at him, like he's staring right through him and scraping the most tender parts of his soul bare for the world to see. 

“It’s half my fault,” Yuta muses, though there’s nothing forgiving about the way he says it. “I should’ve known better than to mess around with a straight guy again.”

“Wait, again?”

It’s the wrong thing to say. Yuta’s expression shutters, and his emotionless tone gives way to a quiet, painful sort of anger.

“Figure your shit out, Jaehyun-ah,” he hisses. “And get out of my dressing room.”

Jaehyun doesn’t need to be told twice.

He bangs his head against the mirror of his dressing room as he groans in frustration. He’s almost envious of their characters. Minjoong and Hansung get their happy ending walking on the beach at sunset, but real life doesn’t work that way, especially when you self-sabotage the way Jaehyun does. There’s nothing to do except go home, crawl into bed, and try to sleep away the tangled web of emotions that he has no hope of making sense of tonight.

His last day on set is a bittersweet affair.

Jaehyun tries his best to act upbeat and friendly to the rest of his castmates, although Yuta is understandably still avoiding him.

The wrap party is next weekend, and they still have a whole slew of promotions coming up in the next several months once the show starts airing. But for now, Director Kim gives a quick, impromptu speech once they finish filming for the day, thanking the cast and crew for all the hard work they put into the project. Naeun hugs him tightly when they part for the evening, and so does Johnny. Everybody lingers to chat and celebrate a job well done, but Jaehyun finds himself bowing out early, promising that he’ll see everyone next weekend.

The following week consists of him eating ramen on his couch and fielding phone calls from Doyoung, who bombards him with new potential work opportunities every day since he’s now unemployed again. None of them sound remotely interesting. By the time Saturday rolls around, he’s half convinced himself to ditch the wrap party, but he knows it'll look worse if he doesn't go, so he plasters on his best smile and makes his way to the restaurant.

They've rented out the whole establishment for the night, both to avoid unwanted intrusions from the public and to avoid inconveniencing the restaurant by making them serve other patrons while also catering to such a large group.

“Hyung!” Donghyuck calls him over when he steps into the restaurant. Jaehyun immediately sighs in relief. He takes the empty seat next to Donghyuck at the end of one of the tables, grateful that he has an excuse not to sit near Yuta tonight. 

“I haven’t seen you in a few weeks,” Jaehyun greets him. “How are you, Donghyuck-ah?”

“Oh, just looking for my next gig, you know how it is,” Donghyuck says. Jaehyun can relate. Their line of work entails a perpetual cycle of employment and unemployment. 

They order drinks, and Jaehyun downs his in merely a few sips before flagging one of the waiters down for another one. Donghyuck raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. Jaehyun nurses his second drink and pastes a nonchalant expression on his face as he listens to Donghyuck talk about a funny story from filming on one of the days that Jaehyun wasn’t there. He eventually gets up to mingle with some of the other cast and crew, but it’s hard when Yuta seems to be everywhere at once.

He returns to the table when their food comes. Five drinks in and an hour or two into the dinner, Jaehyun’s hand accidentally finds its way to Donghyuck’s thigh. Donghyuck doesn’t remove it, only looks at Jaehyun with something akin to mild interest. 

Jaehyun pretends that he doesn’t feel Yuta’s gaze on them. He leans in to whisper a joke into Donghyuck’s ear, a completely unnecessary show of closeness, and Yuta looks away quickly.

Donghyuck’s thigh pressed against his own is an unexpected development, but Jaehyun is in the mood for self-destruction tonight. He knows he needs to tread cautiously here. They’re in public. But maybe Donghyuck can help him figure out something about himself, since Yuta won't give him the time of day.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Donghyuck whispers after a while. He squeezes Jaehyun’s hand under the table, and Jaehyun gets the message.

When he stands up a few minutes later, the alcohol hits him like a battering ram, and a rush of haziness causes his vision to blur around the edges. He steadies himself and stumbles into the bathroom, thankfully a private single room instead of a row of stalls. Donghyuck is waiting for him, leaning against the wall.

Jaehyun stops several feet away and watches him warily, unsure of what comes next. Are they just going to talk? More than that? Or did he completely misread the signals and now he needs to get out of here before he does something that Donghyuck will expose him for on live television?

"Well?" Donghyuck looks at him in interest. "Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

Jaehyun shakes his head and hesitantly steps closer, still not sure if he's allowed to. Donghyuck lets him crowd up in his space. He takes Jaehyun's hand and drags it down his chest, giving him permission to touch.

"We can't be long," Donghyuck mutters. "People will start to wonder where we went."

Jaehyun kisses him. It's messy and sloppy, but he has nothing left to lose, except maybe his dignity…and potentially his career, although he's a little too drunk to think about that right now. Donghyuck kisses back hard and firm for a few beats, until suddenly he's pushing Jaehyun away. Simultaneously, a wave of nausea crashes into him from the amount of alcohol in his bloodstream, and he stumbles back, breathing heavily.

"Fuck, you're way too drunk for this," says Donghyuck. "You reek. And quite frankly, I'm not drunk enough to deal with whatever the reason is you decided to get _this_ plastered tonight.”

Jaehyun doesn't know what to say.

"Shit, this was a bad idea," Donghyuck sighs. "C'mon, let's get you back to the group. And for god's sake, _please_ try to walk normally."

When Jaehyun sits back down, he can feel Yuta's eyes boring holes in the side of his skull. He purposely avoids his gaze, staring off into space until he's so zoned out that rational thought becomes an abstract concept. He vaguely registers Donghyuck getting up to talk to Yuta and Johnny, and after a while, they both come back to where he's sitting at the edge of the table, his food largely untouched.

"I can take it from here," he hears Yuta say. "Thanks, Donghyuck-ah."

"Where are you taking me?" Jaehyun mumbles. If he was less drunk and tired, he would be much more affected by the fact that this is the first time Yuta has touched him since Jeju, outside of their scenes together. But as it is, he can do nothing except lean into the warmth of Yuta's touch, comforting as always even amidst his heartache.

Yuta guides him outside, and then a second pair of hands is holding him up.

"Thanks for calling me," says Ten. "Jesus, what happened to him?"

"I don't know," Yuta replies, and through Jaehyun's drunken haze, he thinks Yuta sounds kind of sad. "I think it probably has something to do with me though."

Ten lets out an audible sigh. "I don't know what happened between you guys, but I hope you work it out."

"What are you doing here?" Jaehyun slurs, interrupting him. "Since when you do you have Yuta-hyung's phone number?"

"Since you introduced us and we became friends, dumbass," Ten says, though Jaehyun doesn't actually think he's mad. "I'll get him home," he continues, addressing Yuta. "Thanks hyung. I can take it from here."

Jaehyun's eyes begin to droop as he registers being pushed inside a taxi. Ten pets his hair as the driver lurches forward into traffic, and Jaehyun lets the physical affection lull him into a drowsy stupor. By the time Ten drags him through the elevator and into his apartment, Jaehyun's knees are buckling, and he lets his eyes slide shut as the world goes dark and silent.

***

He wakes with a splitting headache and the worst case of dry mouth he's had since his early college days.

"You look like you got run over by a bus," Ten says cheerfully from his makeshift bed on Jaehyun's couch when he finally stumbles into the living room ten minutes later.

Jaehyun is not emotionally prepared to deal with the world right now.

He flops onto the couch and cuddles up next to Ten. "Thanks for dealing with me last night," he says at last. "I hope I didn't do anything too stupid. It got kind of blurry after I—" He cuts himself off as he remembers his lips smushed against Donghyuck's last night. "Fuck," he hisses.

"You already know I'm not leaving your apartment until you tell me what's going on," Ten says. "Seriously, what happened? You've been MIA all week."

Jaehyun groans. "Can I have some breakfast before you interrogate me?"

"Yes, but you're making it for the both of us. It's the least you could do to repay me for dragging your drunk ass into bed after you passed out last night."

So Jaehyun cuts up some fruit and puts some sausages into the frying pan, and his headache begins to recede a little as he eats and drinks and replenishes his system. They eat in silence. Once their dishes are polished off and washed in the sink, they migrate back to the couch, where Jaehyun curls up like a cat against Ten once again.

"Before I tell you anything, I need you to promise me you won't tell anyone," he begins, voice faltering. "Not even our friends. I know you wouldn't, but if any part of this got out to the public, it could really hurt not just me but someone we both care about a lot."

Ten nods, uncharacteristically serious. "I'm listening," he says softly. "You have my word."

"So, I think I'm having a sexuality crisis."

"Okay," Ten says. "That's definitely a lot to handle, but I'm guessing there's more to the story."

"Yuta-hyung kissed me."

Ten's eyebrows shoot up. "Shit. Wait when, last night?"

"Two months ago."

"Fuck," Ten whistles under his breath. "Did you kiss him back?"

"Well, we kind of made out in my dressing room afterwards, so yeah."

"Jesus, this is not where I thought this was going. Please continue."

Jaehyun tells him about their second kiss, about all the stolen moments and not-dates they've been on, about the complicated feelings warring inside of him and the way Yuta looks at him like he's too precious to be of this world.

When he gets to the part about them sleeping together, he hesitates, but ultimately pushes through, minus the most intimate details. He tells Ten about the earrings, and the way Yuta held him so tenderly, and the cold pit in the bottom of his stomach the next morning. He finishes by talking about this past week on set, and his encounter with Donghyuck in the bathroom last night, even as he cringes at the memory.

“Oh honey,” Ten shakes his head. “Looks like you’ve gotten yourself into quite the mess.”

“He has every right to be mad at me,” Jaehyun sighs. “I’m mad at myself. But I just woke up that morning and I couldn’t do it.”

“You thought you were ready and you weren’t,” Ten says gently. “You’re not the first person this has happened to. It wasn’t right, and I’m sure Yuta hyung feels like you used him, but I understand why you did it.”

“What should I do?”

“Figure your shit out, just like he told you to,” Ten suggests.

Jaehyun levels him with an unimpressed stare. “And how do you suggest I do that?”

“I have a story for you,” says Ten. “I’m not telling you this to make everything about me, but I think this might be helpful.”

Jaehyun nods, encouraging him to continue.

“You already know that I dealt with a lot of pressure growing up in Thailand,” Ten begins. “I made top marks every year, and my family expected me to be the perfect child. I wanted to have fun and go to parties and experiment with my sexuality, but somewhere along the way I internalized that those things were bad, and if I did any of them, that meant I was bad too.”

“But you did all of those things in college,” Jaehyun says confused. “And you always seemed happy to talk about it.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t get there overnight,” Ten says. “When I lost my virginity at the end of high school, I cried afterwards. The guy I did it with was the perfect gentleman, and I didn’t regret it or anything. But I had so much shame built up around the act itself. I felt dirty, even though I had no real reason to. Isn’t it the same with you?”

Jaehyun thinks about it. “Yeah,” he says, “I guess it is. But I’m not ashamed of you. I don’t think being gay is wrong or anything. I just never thought I could be attracted to men.” He pauses, needing Ten to grasp the seriousness of his words. “I’ve never once looked down on you or anyone else for their sexuality. I need you to know that.”

“I’ve never once doubted that,” Ten replies, patting his arm in a placating gesture. “Do you think I would slut-shame anyone else for what they do with their body? Never in a million years.”

“But when it’s you, there’s a double standard,” Jaehyun finishes.

“Exactly.”

“How did you work through it?”

“Time and practice,” Ten says. “Being aware of it is the first step. I caught myself every time I had shameful thoughts around having sex, and eventually they started to go away. I gave myself permission to experiment, and eventually sex became a fun thing I could enjoy and talk about with friends. But it takes time. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“I guess I’m just nervous about everything going wrong,” he admits. “Trying to come to terms with my sexuality is one thing. But on top of that, my acting career could be ruined if the wrong person found out. 

"That would suck," Ten agrees. "So what? You're just not going to let yourself have nice things until something inevitably does go wrong and you can pat yourself on the back for being right?"

Jaehyun purses his lips in answer.

“Or you could go out and sleep with a bunch of women, and dig yourself into a deeper hole of denial,” Ten adds helpfully.

“No thanks,” Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “I mean, I’m definitely still into girls too, but that seems like a terrible plan.”

“See, you’re learning already,” Ten tells him, clearly pleased. “Just think about what I’ve said. I’ll be here for you while you figure it out, okay?”

Jaehyun nods gratefully and lays his head on Ten’s lap as he stretches out horizontally on the couch.

He pulls out his phone to text Donghyuck, figuring it’s the least he can do after his messy behavior last night.

**Jaehyun**   
_hey i’m really sorry about last night  
i was way too drunk  
i’m sorry if things are awkward now_

**Donghyuck**   
_no worries hyung we’re cool  
i mean…  
if you ever want to actually get down when you’re not having a drunk crisis lmk  
no pressure tho, we’re chill as friends  
in the meantime i’m not gonna sell you out to dispatch don’t worry_

**Jaehyun**   
_no promises but i’ll keep that in mind  
thanks donghyuck-ah i’m glad we’re good_

With that taken care of, he closes his eyes and lets Ten’s comforting warmth lull him back to sleep.

***

Over the next couple of months, Jaehyun devotes himself to his career. 

He lets Doyoung pitch him a variety of different scripts each week, and he pushes himself to try and secure auditions for as many parts as he can, even though he doesn’t hold the same level of excitement for every single one of them.

“You have to at least try,” Doyoung tells him whenever it becomes a chore and he wants to curl up in bed and do nothing. “It’s just as much about getting the job as it is about making connections in the industry. Even if you don’t get the part you want, they may keep you in mind for another role or another show in the future.”

Jaehyun knows he’s right. Hopefully when his drama with Yuta finishes in post-production and starts airing, he’ll start getting calls from people in the industry. But nothing is guaranteed, especially since the public response to the drama still remains to be seen, given its controversial nature. He needs to be proactive about securing a new gig sooner rather than later.

He loosely keeps in touch with Naeun and Donghyuck, though he hasn’t reached out to Johnny yet. Johnny is too close to Yuta, and Jaehyun doesn’t want to deal with the awkwardness. Who knows what story Yuta told him about why they aren’t speaking anymore.

He misses Yuta so much, but he has no idea where to even start with him. He’s at a loss for how he could remedy the hurt he knows Yuta must be feeling, how he could ever win back his heart. Yuta blew into his life like a tornado, and for a while Jaehyun’s life was a spinning cloud of excitement, but now only the wreckage of broken trust and hurt feelings remains. Except in this scenario, Jaehyun has no one to blame but himself. 

He’s trying to get more comfortable with the idea of being attracted to men, trying to make peace with the idea that he’s not as straight as he thought he was. It sounds silly, given all the times he’s kissed Yuta over the last couple months, but Jaehyun knows that he harbored a certain level of cognitive dissonance up until the night they slept together. And of course, that’s when it all fell apart. Yuta is so confident, so sure of himself, even in an industry that would tear him to the ground if it ever found out his secret. Jaehyun doubts that Yuta will want to see him until he has at least a shred of confidence in his identity, and isn’t afraid to be who he is.

So before he tries to piece together the shattered remains of his relationship with Yuta, he’s decided to focus on himself, and on the people who still want to be in his life.

“I miss you,” Naeun says one day when he finally picks up the phone. “Wanna go to a museum next weekend? There’s a new exhibit I want to check out, and I figure you’re the only one of my friends I can guilt into it.”

She’s right, of course, but it does actually sound fun. He’s been running to auditions all week, and he could use a change of scenery. Wandering through a museum for an afternoon seems like the perfect meditative activity.

“I’ll be there,” he says. “Just tell me when and where.”

It’s been several weeks since he’s seen Naeun, who thankfully missed most of the drunken disaster that was his behavior at the wrap party on account of having to leave early. He misses her too, and figures he should put in some effort.

The day finally arrives, and he finds Naeun waiting for him on the steps outside the museum. It’s a cloudy day in late September, the city finally slipping into autumn, and Jaehyun pulls his trench coat tighter around his body. 

“Oh, there you are,” Naeun greets him, pulling him into an affectionate hug. “You ready to see some art?”

“It’s good to see you,” he says. “Should we go get in line?”

“We’re waiting for one more person, actually.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. “Oh? I thought it was just the two of us.”

“I couldn't resist the chance to look at some naked people,” a voice drawls behind him, and Jaehyun whirls around to see a smirking Donghyuck sauntering towards them.

“The ancient Greeks thought of nudity as art,” Naeun huffs. “Not something for pervs like you to gawk at.”

“The ancient Greeks were raging homosexuals,” Donghyuck counters. “Therefore, as a raging homosexual myself, I am obligated to appreciate the nudity they chose to display.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun says slowly. “I didn’t know you were open about your sexuality.”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I’m not stupid,” he replies. “I’m not going to go around shouting it from the rooftops to just anyone, but I’m an open book with my friends.” 

Jaehyun envies the ease with which he says it.

“I’ve known for a while,” Naeun assures a flustered Jaehyun. “Now come on, let’s go inside before it starts getting crowded.”

“You look surprised,” Donghyuck whispers in his ear as they walk towards the museum entrance. “I’m not gonna bite, I promise. Well, unless you want me to.”

“You just don’t stop, do you?”

“Never,” Donghyuck grins. “But I’ll give you a break for now. Oh, and one more thing. If you try to make things awkward between us after what happened at the wrap party, I’ll kill you.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, but he feels his shoulders start to relax. “Noted.”

Their time slot to see the special exhibit is in an hour from now, so they decide to explore the first floor before they have to get in line.

Jaehyun knows very little about art, but he lets Naeun guide him around the galleries and point out what she likes. There’s a lot of art from the later Joseon dynasty period, and Jaehyun admires the intricate paintings and smoothly shaped ceramics on display.

“Confucianism was the biggest influence on most Joseon artists,” Naeun explains. “See these white vases over here? Artists wanted to achieve purity, so they only used subtle decorations and colors in order to meet Confucian ideals.”

“I didn’t realize you knew so much about art history,” Jaehyun marvels. Donghyuck murmurs in agreement, clearly impressed as well.

Naeun shrugs, a small smile gracing her delicate features. “You missed a lot of my art geek rants on set. I talked everyone’s ear off, so maybe it’s better that you were MIA.”

He was busy fooling around with Yuta, most likely. Jaehyun wonders how many opportunities he missed to get to know his cast members better, all because he was so wrapped up in their love affair.

If he could even call it that.

Well, he’s here now. “Tell me more,” he encourages her. “How do you know so much, anyway?”

They wander through the gallery as Naeun tells them all about her brief stint in art school before she dropped out to pursue acting. There’s a clear simplicity to the paintings she points out while she talks, though he sees the intricacies and craftsmanship that went into producing them. She’s obviously passionate about art, and Jaehyun is grateful for the chance to learn more about his friend.

“It’s time to see the naked people,” Donghyuck says half-jokingly after a while.

“The museum is hosting a traveling exhibit of art dating back to ancient Greek times,” Naeun explains to Jaehyun. “Including some sculptures of people who are probably naked, yes. Korea’s museums are mostly filled with Eastern art, so I wanted to come here since we wouldn’t normally get the chance to see art from the West in person.”

Donghyuck tugs them along up the stairs to the second floor and towards the queue of people waiting to get into the showroom.

“Wow,” Jaehyun breathes when they step inside. The room is filled not with paintings but primarily with sculptures and ceramics. Bowls, vases, and a vast assortment of other artifacts are housed in glass cases, and several life-sized sculptures dominate the center of the room.

Jaehyun takes his time surveying the space and all the art in front of him. It’s beautiful. He understands why Naeun wanted to come here so badly. 

Naeun goes straight for the sculptures, but Jaehyun and Donghyuck walk over to the bowls and cups first. The intricate carvings and carefully detailed patterns are so mesmerizing that at first, Jaehyun doesn’t even realize what he’s looking at.

“Ah yes, more homoerotic art for our consumption,” Donghyuck says.

He’s right. The placard in front of the glass case tells them that the illustration on the cup is of two men, one of them reaching over trying to kiss the other. 

_Pederasty was the most socially significant form of same-sex relationships in ancient Greece_ , the placard reads. _Referring to a romantic relationship between an older and a younger man, pederasty is sometimes considered the principal model for relationships between Greek citizens. This cup, dating back to approximately 550 B.C., depicts one such pederastic couple_.

“I told you,” Donghyuck says. “The ancient Greeks didn’t give a fuck whether or not someone was attracted to men. Most of them had wives too. You should take a page out of their book. The closet must be pretty lonely.”

“How are you so sure that I’m in the closet?”

“Hyung,” Donghyuck says, a note of exasperation in his tone, “you couldn’t be more obvious to me. You kissed me at the wrap party even though you told me you had no idea what you were doing, and then you freaked out when I mentioned that I was gay to Naeun-ah this morning, shocked that I would be open about such a thing. You’re clearly struggling a little.”

“Okay, fair.”

“Look,” Donghyuck says, his tone softening, “I’m not going to pressure you to talk about anything you’re not ready to talk about. I just want you to know that I’m here. And that at the end of the day, it really is just one part of who you are. The ancient Greeks didn’t even use labels like we do today. You don’t have to either if you’re not comfortable. You make your own rules. Don’t let anyone else dictate how you should live your life.” 

“You’re very wise for a dongsaeng,” Jaehyun says, ruffling Donghyuck’s hair. “Maybe I should listen to you more often.”

Donghyuck grins. “Finally, you’re starting to get it. Now come on, let’s go look at all the naked sculptures.”

***

Over the next few days, Jaehyun mulls over Donghyuck’s words, turning them over in his head as he contemplates what to do next.

When he said goodbye to his friends and returned home from the museum, he had retrieved his journal from its spot on his bedside table and written down his feelings from the day. The journal was Ten’s idea, a place for him to write down both his intrusive thoughts and all of the positive, less heteronormative thoughts that he wanted to believe moving forward. 

It has certainly helped him make sense of some things, and it’s probably a good habit to keep up with anyway. So Jaehyun writes, and he ponders over what it would mean to live without expectations or labels. He thinks about what it would mean to love Yuta fully without being scared, not of Yuta but of himself. 

He’s still carrying a torch for Yuta, and he doesn't think his feelings will fade anytime soon. But Yuta isn’t here right now, and midway through the week Jaehyun decides that he needs to test a theory.

**Jaehyun**   
_hey so remember that offer you made me  
the one about getting down when i’m not having a crisis_

**Donghyuck**   
_how could i forget_

**Jaehyun**   
_any chance that’s still on the table?_

**Donghyuck**   
_gotta admit i wasn’t expecting this  
but yeah, i could be persuaded_

**Jaehyun**   
_wanna come over?_

**Donghyuck**   
_wow you sure know how to sweet talk a guy  
send me your address_

**Jaehyun**   
_yeah yeah  
hold on wait a minute  
i just wanna make sure you’re cool with this   
i don’t wanna use you or anything  
or give you the wrong idea that i’m looking for smth serious_

**Donghyuck**   
_who says i’m not using you too?  
i don’t mean it in a bad way, but we’re clearly not meant to date  
however, we can still have a little fun  
and as the more Experienced Gay, i’m happy to show you the ropes  
metaphorically speaking anyway  
if we’re actually going to do bondage we should probably ease into it first_

**Jaehyun**   
_you can’t see me but i’m rolling my eyes rn  
if you’re actually gonna come, hurry up_

**Donghyuck**   
_omw_

When Donghyuck steps inside his apartment, Jaehyun is ready. He took a shower while waiting for Donghyuck, and made sure that his room was presentable. Donghyuck takes one look at him and cuts right to the chase.

“I’m super down for this. But if you want to stop at any time, you need to tell me, okay?” he says. “You don’t have to do this to prove a point.”

Jaehyun understands where he’s coming from. He had some anticipatory nerves in the shower, but now that Donghyuck is actually here, he feels confident in his decision. “I know. I promise I’ll tell you if I’m not into it. But I think this might be good for me.”

“Of course it’ll be good for you,” Donghyuck snorts, but he looks relieved at Jaehyun’s self-aware answer. “I’ve got bomb dick game. Now how do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun says as he leads Donghyuck into his room. “I’ve been with plenty of girls before, but I’ve only been with a guy once. I bottomed, and it was good, but really intense for my first time.”

“Why don’t you top then?” Donghyuck suggests. “You want to experiment, right? I think it’ll be less overwhelming that way.” Jaehyun nods in agreement, and lets Donghyuck take the lead.

Donghyuck is both gentle and fierce. He eases Jaehyun into the mood, whispers dirty things into his ear as he jerks them both off, runs his tongue over Jaehyun’s lips as he pulls him into a salacious kiss. He makes Jaehyun watch as he works himself open, and when Jaehyun finally enters him, he pulls their bodies together until they move as one.

And it’s good. It’s not Yuta, of course, but it’s good. 

In a way, it’s freeing that he gets to test the waters with Donghyuck, without feeling emotionally obligated or like he needs to commit long-term. It takes some of the pressure off, to explore what physical intimacy feels like with another man without worrying that he’s going to fuck their entire relationship up. 

"I'm hot, you're hot," Donghyuck says afterwards, pressing light kisses to his shoulder as they lay in bed together. "And it feels good. It can be as easy as that, hyung. But only if you let it."

He makes it sound so easy. Jaehyun wants to believe it can be, so he decides that for now, he’s going to let himself have fun and get comfortable with the sexual aspect of being with a guy. After all, it wasn’t just catching feelings that caused him to run away from Yuta. He knew that he had a crush on Yuta that was only growing with each day. But sex and admitting their feelings at the same time? Too much, too soon. An overload for Jaehyun’s brain. At least now he can figure out the physical stuff, so when he confronts the emotional part again, he’ll be slightly more prepared. 

Shit, he should probably be writing this down in his journal.

***

The big press conference introducing the show to the public is on the following Wednesday afternoon, and the drama starts airing on Friday. His friends are demanding a watch party, but Jaehyun isn't sure how much of Yuta's face he can handle seeing, especially blown up in HD resolution on his television screen. 

When Jaehyun arrives at the conference, he's immediately escorted backstage, where the main cast waits with Director Kim for their cues. Doyoung quizzed him on some potential interview questions that the reporters might ask during the car ride here, and he’s been perfecting his “carefully neutral but still personable and friendly” facial expression in the mirror for a week straight.

This is his chance as a newcomer to make a positive impression in the press. He's not going to fuck it up.

All of his positive self-talk wavers when he sees Yuta standing in the corner, talking intently with his manager.

Yuta looks immaculate as always, and a wave of desire rushes through Jaehyun's entire body. It's not even a sexual thing. It's just that Yuta's larger-than-life presence is like a luminous flame, and Jaehyun is but a helpless moth drawn towards the light.

How he's going to make it through this conference with all of his emotions bursting at the seams, he has no idea.

“You should go over and say hi,” Doyoung says. Jaehyun hasn’t told him what happened, but Doyoung’s job relies on being observant. He knows that something is going on with them, even though Jaehyun’s lips have been sealed shut.

“It’s better to do it now rather than risk being awkward once you’re out there and all the cameras are on you,” Doyoung continues. “Come on, you know I’m right.”

Jaehyun knows. So he tentatively approaches Yuta, who looks up and whispers something to his manager, who greets him briefly before taking his leave.

“Hi,” Jaehyun says, a woefully inadequate greeting for someone as important as Yuta.

Yuta looks him up and down. “You cleaned up for today.” 

Jaehyun knows he looks good, hair parted and slicked back, dressed in his nicest suit, but hearing Yuta hint at his appearance is flustering, to say the least.

“I tried,” he scratches the back of his head. “Look, I know you probably don’t want to be around me right now, and you have every right to still be mad at me. But I also know that today is a big day for the show, and I want us to put our best foot forward so we don’t seem awkward for the cameras. Can we call a temporary truce or something? You can go back to hating me afterwards.”

“Okay.”

Jaehyun’s brow furrows in confusion. “That’s…it? Just okay?” 

“You’re right,” Yuta says. “I’m still mad at you. However, I don’t hate you, even though part of me wanted to for a while. So I’m willing to put our personal history aside in the name of professionalism today.”

Jaehyun hates the detached way that Yuta says it, but this is not nearly as difficult a conversation as he’d anticipated, so he does his best to smile and nod amiably, grateful for small miracles.

Yuta turns to walk away, but something compels Jaehyun to open his mouth again.

“I’m working on myself,” he says in a rush. “You told me to stop lying to myself, so I’m working on it. Not that it makes any difference to you, I guess. But I just wanted you to know.”

Yuta studies him for a moment. “Good,” he says, and then his manager is walking up to them and ushering them towards the door, where Johnny, Naeun, and Director Kim are waiting for them. 

“I’m nervous,” Naeun whispers.

“Me too,” he murmurs back. “But you’re a natural. You’re gonna be just fine.”

“I promise it’s not that bad,” Johnny says from behind them. “The questions are usually pretty run of the mill. One of us will jump in if you need help answering a question.”

Jaehyun nods his thanks. He takes a deep breath, schools his features into an expression of modest politeness, and steps out onto the makeshift stage.

The bright flashes and clicking sounds from the journalists’ cameras are accosting, but he soon gets accustomed to the sea of people in front of him. They are instructed to stand several feet apart for individual shots, and then Yuta’s arm is around him for couple photos. Then they’re being herded together for a group picture, and then finally they’re sitting down behind the rectangular table on the stage, their mics are turned on, and the press conference is called to order.

They introduce themselves individually, giving a little background about themselves and the characters they’re each playing, and then the questions begin. They’re asked to recount stories of filming, and how their experience has been working on the show, as well as what messages they’re hoping the show will convey to its audience. And then, of course, the big question.

“Why did you choose to include a same-sex love story in this drama?” one reporter asks Director Kim. “And my follow-up question for Yuta-ssi and Jaehyun-ssi is why did you each decide to portray these roles, given the potential controversy it could cause?”

Director Kim goes first. “ I found it was a story that needed to be told,” he says. “There are few shows that touch on these topics, and as a director, I found that to be the perfect opportunity to fill an empty space.” He pauses, gathering his thoughts. “Quite frankly,” he continues, “there is a market for this show. Of course, a more skeptical local audience is to be expected, but the younger generations are much more accepting of such things. Dramas featuring boys in love are very popular these days, especially abroad. I’m confident that people will be interested in the story we’re telling.” 

The reporter nods, typing furiously on her computer, and Yuta clears his throat to answer the follow-up question. “Personally, I thought the premise of the show sounded exciting,” he says. “I don’t discriminate when it comes to choosing projects, and as an actor, I’m always looking for opportunities to expand my creative horizons. I was aware of the risks, but I have no regrets about being a part of the show.”

Jaehyun wonders if Yuta regrets him.

It’s his turn to speak. “As you all know, I’m a newcomer to the acting scene,” Jaehyun says into the mic. “My decision to accept this role could be seen as a controversial career move by some. But our director-nim and my co-stars are reputable people in this industry, and I trusted that this would be a unique and worthwhile opportunity.”

He’s sure Doyoung is nodding approvingly from wherever he is in the room or backstage, pleased that his media training is paying off. 

The hour goes by quickly, and soon one of the journalists is asking the last question of the afternoon.

“What do you want anyone who is interested in watching this drama to know going into it?” he asks.

Yuta fields the question. “My hope is that people will go into this show without prejudice,” he says. “I think the story speaks for itself. So I hope people will watch with that in mind.”

Jaehyun can’t resist jumping in. “I hope they will also keep in mind that the sexuality of our characters is only one aspect of who they are,” he adds. “The mystery and suspense of the show is the main point, and romance is secondary. So even if people do start watching this show with some initial prejudice, I hope they will see our characters as whole people first and foremost, and be open to learning something new.”

He feels Yuta’s eyes on him, but then the conference is over, and they’re bowing and waving their goodbyes. 

“You did well,” Doyoung tells him once he’s backstage again. “I bet you’ll be getting calls from all sorts of entertainment agencies once the show starts airing.”

That’s something to look forward to. He’s been drifting without a company while trying to get his acting career off the ground, and Doyoung works for a separate firm of agents and managers. It would be nice to have the support and resources of a company, despite the difficulties and contractual pitfalls that could arise. Provided that Doyoung can come with him, of course.

He texts Donghyuck that the conference went well, telling him how lucky he is that he gets out of a lot of the media appearances due to the secretive nature of his character in the show. Donghyuck texts back that he’s going to have to find other ways to promote himself, and even though he says it jokingly, Jaehyun immediately feels bad for complaining. 

He catches a glimpse of Yuta on his way out, neck craning as he watches Yuta slide into the backseat of a sleek black town car. He knows they have more promotions coming up, but after that, are he and Yuta just never going to see each other again? The thought makes his stomach clench uncomfortably. He wasn’t lying when he told Yuta he was working on himself. He’s slowly getting accustomed to the idea of associating bisexuality with his own identity and self-image. But what if Yuta has moved on already? 

His friends drag him to their viewing party of the show on Friday night. Jungwoo’s apartment is on the other side of the Han river, and Jaehyun passes by all sorts of couples walking and cycling by the water. He’s always wanted to go on a date there, and these days every couple reminds him of what he and Yuta could’ve been.

“Our favorite movie star arrives at last,” Jungwoo says when he opens the door. 

Taeyong and Ten are sitting in front of the TV in Jungwoo’s living room with several bowls of snacks in front of them. 

“It’s starting in five minutes,” Taeyong informs them. “I feel like I’ve barely seen you guys lately. I’m glad we’re doing this.”

Ten sighs as he stretches out on the floor. “I wish we weren’t all so busy.”

“Yeah, and we haven’t seen Yuta-hyung in ages,” Jungwoo says. 

Jaehyun winces internally. He’d made the tough decision not to tell the rest of his friends about their fight—hell, he probably wouldn’t have even told Ten if Ten hadn’t picked his drunk ass up from the wrap party—but he’s rethinking it now. His friends deserve to know that they’re not speaking, and besides, if he’s trying to come to terms with his sexuality, pretending nothing happened probably isn’t the way to go. 

He doesn’t want to betray Yuta’s privacy, but perhaps there’s a way to spin it into a half-truth that doesn’t give too much away. He’s also going to leave the conversation that he’s been sleeping with Donghyuck for another day. Not even Ten knows about that, and besides, his friends have never met him. There’s only so much explaining Jaehyun can handle in one night. 

“Yuta-hyung has been really busy,” Jaehyun begins. “But we’re also not really talking right now either.”

“Oh?” Taeyong tilts his head in confusion, and the rest of them turn around to look at him. 

“Why not?” Jungwoo asks.

Jaehyun pauses, trying to find the best way to articulate his thoughts. “Well,” he says eventually, “long story short, he triggered my sexuality crisis and I freaked out and now we’re not speaking.”

“You’re having a sexuality crisis?” Taeyong looks equal parts intrigued and concerned. 

“If I was having a sexuality crisis, it would definitely be over Yuta-hyung too,” Jungwoo says as he pats Jaehyun’s arm comfortingly. 

“Yeah, well, I hurt his feelings, so he’s understandably still mad at me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that you’re not talking,” says Taeyong. “I hope you guys work things out.”

“Wait,” Ten pipes up, “is this you officially coming out?”

Jaehyun thinks about it for a moment. “Shit, I guess you’re right.”

“Oh my god,” Taeyong giggles, “I really wasn’t expecting this today, but I’m happy for you. Congrats to our newest baby gay.”

“Baby bi,” Jaehyun corrects him. “But yeah, I’m getting used to the idea.”

“We’re always here for you,” Jungwoo assures him. He ruffles Jaehyun’s hair affectionately before glancing at the screen. “Wait, not to interrupt this special moment or anything, but I think the show is starting.”

“Thanks guys, it means a lot.” He feels lighter now that he’s said everything out loud. It’s a weight he no longer has to carry, a burden off his chest. “Come on, we can talk more later. Let’s watch the show.”

His friends cheer as the opening credits roll, and Jaehyun curls up on the couch in between them, grateful for the support system around him.

“I’m proud of you,” Ten says later, during a commercial break. He and Jaehyun are in the kitchen refilling the snack bowls, speaking in low tones so they don’t disturb their friends in the other room. 

“That took guts,” Ten continues, reaching up to grab the bag of popcorn from the snack cabinet. “You’ve come a long way, even if you don’t realize it yet.”

Jaehyun tries to accept the compliment gracefully, but he feels his ears flush red anyway.

“I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me though. What if I’m not ready in time?”

“What is ready?” Ten asks. “When you suddenly arrive at enlightenment? Spoiler alert, you’re going to be waiting around forever.”

“I know, but I don’t want to jump back in if I’m just going to break his heart all over again.”

“And that’s completely fair,” Ten says. “You shouldn’t rush your own process just to try and catch up to someone else’s timeline. You’re doing this for you, not for him or anyone else. But I also don’t want you to think that you have to reach perfection in order to be worthy of Yuta-hyung’s time again. We’re works in progress, and we never stop growing. You don’t have to fully arrive at your destination in order to try again.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“Probably since I started fucking my yoga instructor,” Ten says cheerfully. “Yukhei is very flexible in bed, but he also gives surprisingly good life advice. Must be all the meditation or something.” 

“Jesus, I’m happy for you, but I did not need to know that.”

“Oh I know,” Ten smirks. “That’s precisely why I told you.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, and they rejoin their friends in the living room.

***

He gets a callback for one of the shows he auditioned for, which is the only thing that snaps him out of his constant fixation on his broken relationship with Yuta. 

It’s a pretty average boy-meets-girl romance, but it sounds interesting enough, and Jaehyun will take what he can get. Probably a smart career move too, unless he wants to be pigeonholed as “Nakamoto Yuta’s gay love interest” until the end of time. Jaehyun’s achingly aware of the irony, coming out of the closet privately only to return to a heterosexual romance on screen, but this is the world he lives in. 

Donghyuck comes over for some stress relief after his callback, the third time he’s been at Jaehyun’s apartment in the last two weeks. Jaehyun’s second audition went well, but he has a nasty habit of thinking about what he could have done better or what went wrong, agonizing over each miniscule detail until he’s spiraling into a storm cloud of self-doubt. Sex is a welcome distraction, and Donghyuck never fails to deliver. 

“You’re more tense than usual today,” Donghyuck comments as he curls two fingers inside of Jaehyun. Jaehyun clenches around him, burying his face into the pillow and groaning, half in pleasure and half in frustration. Donghyuck is right. It’s partially the come-down from his audition anxiety, but he’s been more preoccupied with Yuta than ever since his conversation with Ten the other day. Something is preventing him from marching up to Yuta’s door and begging on his knees for a second chance, but he doesn’t know what.

He lets Donghyuck fuck it out of him, grasping onto the headboard for purchase as Donghyuck snaps into him from behind, letting himself fall as they tip over the edge together. 

“Maybe I prefer you like this,” Donghyuck teases afterward. “Your ass is tighter anyway.”

“Fuck off,” Jaehyun mumbles, rolling over to tug his boxers back on. He feels a little guilty that he was thinking about Yuta when Donghyuck pushed into him. He tried to will away the thoughts, focusing on the man currently in his presence, but his brain is a beast of its own.

It’s not fair to Donghyuck though, and Jaehyun knows that guilt will eat away at his insides if he doesn’t say anything.

“I’m not mad,” Donghyuck says when Jaehyun tells him as much. “But maybe we should just be friends if you’re hung up on someone else. I don’t mind being a distraction for your other problems, but I also need someone who’s gonna appreciate this dick to the fullest.”

“That’s extremely fair,” Jaehyun says. “Sorry I’m such a mess. Thanks for being so cool about everything.”

“I’m always cool,” Donghyuck sasses. “You better not ghost me after this. We’re still gonna be friends and I’m still going to annoy you like it’s my full time job.”

“I would expect nothing less.”

Donghyuck smacks a kiss to his cheek before exiting Jaehyun’s apartment, and Jaehyun is left with his own muddled thoughts and worries.

Where is his resistance to Yuta coming from?

He doesn’t expect an answer, but surprisingly it comes to him one day, during a meditation session.

It was Ten’s idea. Yukhei apparently got him on the mindfulness train, and Ten has been sending Jaehyun all sorts of videos and inspirational quotes that will apparently help him get his life together.

Jaehyun’s a little skeptical, but a link to a guided meditation Ten sends his way purporting to “reprogram negative beliefs” catches his eye one day. 

He decides to do it right before bed, figuring that if it’s boring, or useless drivel, it’ll probably help him fall asleep at the very least.

The voice is calming, if a little dull, but it’s relaxing enough that he keeps the audio on, and lets the woman’s voice wash over him. He’s instructed to breathe deeply, to release his worries from the day, to try and find presence. Even though plenty of distracting thoughts still swirl around in his mind, having someone guide him through his mind after weeks of navigating the monstrous complexity of his predicament by himself is an unexpectedly welcome relief.

“Whatever limiting thoughts, beliefs, or ideas you have about yourself and the world, bring them now to the forefront of your mind,” the woman’s voice intones. “Name them, either out loud or in your head.”

_It’s okay if other people are queer, but not if it’s me_.

He finds that it feels surprisingly good to name it, to lay it out concretely, instead of leaving it to stew in the most convoluted parts of his brain.

“Think back to the origin of these beliefs,” the meditation instructs him. “Take a moment to explore where these thoughts may have come from.”

Jaehyun thinks and thinks, but he comes up empty. Frustration threatens to overtake him, but the meditation cuts back in again. “If your mind is empty, don’t judge yourself,” the woman says. “Sometimes these mindsets stem from childhood experiences we have suppressed, or social attitudes that we have never thought to question. Whatever is coming up for you, let it be.”

A cog in the back of his brain starts to turn; a vague memory floats up to the surface. He waits, trying to grasp at it, feeling like he’s on the cusp of something important.

_Yoonoh-ah, stop letting your sister paint your nails, his grandfather says. Boys don’t engage in such frivolous activities, unless you’re one of those homosexuals._

_Yoonoh-ah, you have to be the man of the house._

_Yoonoh-ah, you know we don’t bring up your uncle anymore. He loved other men more than his own family._

_Yoonoh-ah._

_Yoonoh-ah._

_Yoonoh-ah._

And suddenly Jaehyun is sitting up wide awake in bed, and he’s angry. 

He spent so long trying to distance himself from that part of his past, going so far as to change his name in order to escape his grandfather’s tyranny. And yet it caught up to him anyways, and he didn’t even realize it.

He’s sure his grandfather’s words aren't the only reason for his current situation and the beliefs that got him there in the first place. He knows there’s probably a lot more to unpack in the future. One meditation isn’t going to fix everything, or even much of anything. 

But it’s enough. It’s a tangible enough reason for him to point his finger at it, for him to be able to begin to make sense of his situation and rationalize, to an extent, why he still has lingering beliefs that have been subconsciously holding him back.

With newfound awareness and a spark of determination, Jaehyun makes a decision. 

***

He’s on set today with Yuta, Johnny, and Naeun, filming a series of promotional clips consisting mainly of cheesy games and activities for various Youtube channels like ELLE Korea and The Swoon, among others. 

It’s Yuta’s birthday tomorrow, so everyone on set decides to give him a mini celebration to commemorate it.

“You guys, you didn’t have to,” Yuta laughs when they surprise him with a cake and sing Happy Birthday during the lunch break. Naeun records the whole thing for her Instagram story, while Jaehyun stands awkwardly behind her. Johnny nearly ruins the whole thing by almost dropping the cake from its precarious position on top of the cake box, which causes everyone to dissolve into laughter.

Jaehyun is in that strange liminal space where he’s not sure how friendly he’s allowed to be with Yuta. Obviously they’re going to be professional on set, but he’s not sure where the line is, since the last time they spoke, Yuta was still mad at him. Privately, he laments the missed opportunity to celebrate Yuta in the way he deserves. He wonders if they would go to an exclusive club, or on a road trip, or out to dinner with friends, if they were still on speaking terms. 

They’re playing “Who’s Who” with Buzzfeed in the afternoon. He takes his seat in between Yuta and Naeun, slipping a polite smile onto his face as the cameras start rolling.

The questions are pretty standard: all hands point to Johnny when asked who is most likely to pull pranks on set, and Johnny laughingly recounts the time he scared Naeun out of her wits by jumping out from behind a curtain when he had special effects makeup on. Jaehyun owns up to being the most likely to nap between scenes, and they unequivocally point to Yuta when asked who is most likely to actually solve a mystery in real life. 

“Who’s the most likely to be a gym nut?” the producer asks.

Naeun points to Johnny, who also points at himself, but Yuta points to Jaehyun.

“We were hanging out one time when his phone alarm went off and he ditched me so he could wake up the next morning for the gym,” Yuta says, when the producer asks him to explain. “So I think Jaehyun-ssi takes the cake on this one.”

Jaehyun remembers that night, although that’s not exactly how things went down, if he remembers correctly. One of their not-dates, although looking back on it, it’s incredibly obvious how much Yuta wanted it to be. 

“True,” he says. “I’m pretty big on routines, and I like the gym.” He tries not to think about Yuta praising his abs and dotting hickeys on his chest, and how he would use those memories as motivation during his workouts.

They move on to the next question, and everybody points to Naeun when the producer asks who’s most like their character in real life. Naeun seems pleased with this answer.

“Like Minji, my family is very important to me,” she explains. “I love true crime series, so I definitely have an inner detective in me, and I always try to be kind and courteous to everyone.” 

“Next question: who’s the most likely to eat the craziest food?” asks the producer.

There’s some hesitation, but Jaehyun immediately points to Yuta. 

“One time I saw Yuta-ssi eat hongeo,” Jaehyun says. “Fermented skate. It smelled so gross that I lost my appetite for a solid hour.”

“When was this?” asks Johnny. “And why wasn’t I invited?”

“Ah, Jaehyun-ssi introduced me to his friends and we went out to dinner one night,” Yuta explains. Jaehyun becomes increasingly conscious of the way they’ve suddenly regressed to more formal language and honorifics, as well as the fact that they’re having a conversation with everyone except each other. 

The game concludes after a couple more questions, and the cast claps politely once the producer gives the signal to cut. 

They get a five minute break while the producer from ELLE Korea gets ready, and Jaehyun pulls out his phone, unable to stand it anymore.

**Jaehyun**   
_can we talk after the shoot?_

**Yuta**   
_depends on if you’ve got anything good to say_

**Jaehyun**   
_i promise i won’t waste your time_

**Yuta**   
_......fine.  
there’s a room off the side of the main studio, at the end of the hall  
meet there once everyone has left_

**Jaehyun**   
_ok  
thank you_

Yuta doesn’t look his way or show any sign of emotion, but all Jaehyun needs is a chance to plead his case. He’s nervous about fucking it up, of course, but he also knows that if he waits too long, the opportunity will slip through his fingers and he’ll never forgive himself.

The shoot seems to drag on forever, but only because Jaehyun’s mind is everywhere but here. 

He spends most of his time in between clips with Doyoung, but he tries to spend some time with Naeun and Johnny too, since he sees them less frequently now.

Finally, everything wraps up, and the crew starts putting away the cameras and lighting softboxes. Jaehyun drove himself today, so he tells Doyoung not to wait up. He makes a show of heading towards the bathroom, where he waits until it seems like an acceptable time to step out. The majority of the cast and crew has left by this point, and only Yuta and his manager remain, talking with a couple of the producers and crew members facilitating the shoot.

Jaehyun texts Yuta that he’s going to wait in the designated meeting room, and that Yuta can join him whenever he’s ready.

He’s in the middle of rehearsing his speech for the fifth time when Yuta finally arrives, closing the door behind him and leaning up against one of the tables in the corner. The room looks like a small staff area, with a coffee maker on the counter next to the sink, and a couple makeshift tables lining the edges of the room.

It’s not the most ideal place to have an intensely private conversation, and a part of Jaehyun wonders if maybe he should have texted Yuta to meet somewhere else. But he doubts Yuta would want to go to either of their apartments, and as it is, Jaehyun’s on thin ice. Better to try now, when they’re already together, than to go to the trouble of scheduling another meeting that Yuta might not even show up to.

Yuta doesn’t waste any time. “You wanted to talk,” he says. “So talk.”

His guarded expression does nothing to boost Jaehyun’s confidence, but he takes a deep breath and begins anyway. 

“I just want to say that I’m sorry. Things feel so broken and awkward between us, and I know that it’s all my fault. I panicked and fucked up, and in the process I really hurt you. I’m really, really sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry,” Yuta replies. “That’s not the issue here.”

“Then what is?”

“Whether or not you’re willing to do anything about it.”

“I came out as bi to my friends,” Jaehyun says. “You told me not to lie to you, so I won't. I'm not 100% there, and I’m still working through some stuff. But I’m more comfortable with the idea of not being straight than I was before. I’m not going to freak out and ditch you again.”

Yuta looks up, clearly not expecting that. 

“I’m glad you’re coming to terms with your sexuality,” he says carefully. “Really, I am. But that doesn’t automatically fix everything.”

“I know it doesn’t. I’m not asking for us to get back together, at least not yet. I just want one chance to earn back your trust, even though I probably don’t deserve it.”

Yuta pauses, as if turning Jaehyun’s words over in his mind. “Tell me,” he says eventually, “what made you decide to come to terms with yourself?”

"I realized that I could choose my own fears and insecurities about my identity, or I could choose you," Jaehyun says. "And what an insult it would be to both of us if I didn't choose you."

He sees the moment Yuta starts to soften. “Jaehyun-ah,” he sighs, reverting back to informal language. “You can’t just say shit like that.”

“It’s true,” Jaehyun defends. Yuta is silent, chewing on his bottom lip.

"Please, hyung,” he continues. “One date. No bullshit or denial of feelings. Just me and you. Please say you'll give me a chance."

“If I did give you a chance,” Yuta begins, and Jaehyun’s heart leaps. “If, not when. If I did give you a chance, you can’t just ghost again whenever—”

"I know, I know," Jaehyun interrupts. "If I fuck up even once, you're going to march me to the nearest trash can and leave me to rot."

“It’s not even that,” Yuta says, and for the first time that Jaehyun can remember, in all the time they’ve known each other, his voice sounds small. “If I’m being honest, I just don’t know if I could handle you leaving again.”

Oh. 

It’s so plainly written on his face, but only now does Jaehyun realize that Yuta is just as scared as he is.

“I never told you about Sejun,” says Yuta. “I’d had flings with guys before I met him, but he was my only serious relationship with another man. We met on set when I was twenty, a couple years into my acting career. He played my love interest’s brother. One thing led to another, and I found myself in a whirlwind secret romance with him. He’d never been with a guy before, but he promised me that I was special, that he’d never met anyone like me before.”

Jaehyun can tell where this is going, and he doesn’t like it one bit.

“We were together for a year before he left,” Yuta continues. “We were fighting a lot by that point. My career was taking off, and his wasn’t, and I think he resented me for it, whether he meant to or not. What I didn’t expect was for him to quit the industry, pack up out of the blue, and go marry this girl he knew from back home. Told me I was just a bit of fun, that he’d come to his senses and realized he was still straight. You can imagine that did a number on me.”

“Fuck,” Jaehyun whispers. “So when you woke up that morning in Jeju and I wasn’t there—”

“Deja-vu,” Yuta confirms. 

“But you took a chance on me anyways.”

“I knew it was risky,” Yuta says. A bitter smile passes over his face. “But I’m selfish like that, Jaehyun-ah. I wanted you in whatever way I could get you. As long as I got to have a taste.”

If Jaehyun wanted to give Yuta the world before this conversation, now he wants to give him the entire solar system, the entire Milky Way galaxy if he could. 

“You’re not the only one who’s selfish,” he says at last. “I have no right to ask you for another chance, and yet I’m doing it anyway. I can’t tell you that we’re going to be together forever and we’re never going to hurt each other. I don’t think you’d want me to make such empty promises. But I can promise that I won’t run away again. I want to be the one to love you, even though I don’t deserve you. I could love you so good, hyung.”

“I know you could,” Yuta says. His eyes are glassy, brimming with emotion. Jaehyun fights the urge to wrap Yuta up in his arms and never let him go. “Fuck, what do we do?” 

“You let me take you out once,” Jaehyun says. “A test run. If at any point you decide that this isn’t what you want, no matter how well the date goes, you just say the word and I’ll back off completely. You’re in control here.”

“One date,” Yuta muses. “That’s it?”

“One date,” Jaehyun confirms. 

“Okay.”

Jaehyun blinks, making sure he heard right. “Okay?” 

“Okay,” Yuta repeats. He still looks wary, and understandably so, but he’s fighting back a small smile. “You get one chance to make it up to me, but only one. Make it worth my while, Jaehyun-ah.”

“I will,” he whispers. “I promise.”

“Good,” Yuta says. “Then I’m leaving now. I trust you’ll call me to make plans.”

Jaehyun nods, and Yuta gives him a small wave before exiting the room. He waits until he hears Yuta’s footsteps retreating to fist pump in the air, dancing around in a circle before he tries to calm himself down. Then, he calls Ten on the way out to the parking lot to start planning.

***

Jaehyun is nervous as hell. He tries to quell the butterflies in his stomach, fingers clenching inside his pockets, but it’s no use. He accepts the fact that nothing is going to fix his anxiety, letting it settle into his bones as he waits for Yuta.

They decided to drive separately to the location of their first date to reduce suspicion in case they were spotted, although privately Jaehyun thinks that Yuta just wants a way out in case the date goes horribly awry. Which is totally fair. Jaehyun would probably do the same if he was in Yuta’s shoes.

Ten isn’t worried about them being caught, though. "I don’t think Dispatch exposes gay couples anyway,” he’d said when Jaehyun called him in the parking lot last week. “Besides, unless someone outright catches you kissing, most people will just assume you're really close friends."

He’s got a point, and besides, it’s bold of Jaehyun to assume that he’ll be getting anywhere near Yuta’s lips tonight. 

As helpful as Ten has been, it was Taeyong who suggested their first date. “I went here a few times with Baekhyun-hyung, that guy I dated in college,” he’d said. “It’s simple but fun, and also a great place for secret handjobs if you’re into that kind of thing.”

Jaehyun really didn’t need to know about Taeyong’s affinity for public sex, but the rest of his idea had been good.

So here he is at a secluded lookout spot above Banpo Bridge Park, looking out over the Han River. The view is gorgeous at night, and Jaehyun has set up electric lanterns around the picnic blanket he’s laid out on the grass. In the middle of the setup sits a box of freshly cooked chicken that he purchased from a popular street vendor, waiting to be eaten. 

“Oh.” There’s a voice behind him, and Jaehyun whirls around. “It’s beautiful,” Yuta says. He somehow looks magnificent in his scarf and his gray trench coat, hair falling around his face, lips red from the cold. “Jaehyun-ah, you didn’t have to.”

“I kind of did,” Jaehyun says, but he doesn’t mean anything bad by it. Yuta deserves to be treated like a prince tonight, for all the trouble Jaehyun has put him through.

“Come eat,” he says. “The food will get cold.” 

He brought extra blankets in case the November chill becomes too intense, but the worst of the winter weather has yet to reach Seoul. The twinkling lights of the river provide a beautiful distraction from the cold, as does Yuta himself.

They eat first, not just because it’s cold, but also because it’s late. They didn’t want to be disturbed by anyone else who might recognize them in the daylight, so they agreed to meet later than usual. Jaehyun wonders if this is what his life is like now, always hiding from people he doesn’t even know.

Better than hiding from Yuta, or from himself.

“How are the rest of your friends?” Yuta asks in between bites of chicken.

“They’re your friends too,” Jaehyun can’t help but protest. “You’re still allowed to hang out with them, you know.” But he relents, telling Yuta about Taeyong’s new job at a marketing firm, Ten’s clandestine affair with his yoga instructor, and Jungwoo’s decision to go back to school for social work. 

He asks Yuta if he’s accepted any new roles lately, to which Yuta shakes his head. “I’m taking a mini hiatus,” he says. “I’ll start looking for projects in a few months, probably, but I want to spend more time with my parents right now, and take a little breather.”

“That’s understandable,” Jaehyun responds. “You deserve it, hyung. It’s good that you’re making time for your parents.” 

Yuta ducks his head in a show of thanks. “What about your family?” he asks. “Sorry if that’s too touchy of a subject for a first date, but I never hear you talk about them.”

“We’re not very close,” Jaehyun says. “My sister is pretty cool. She lives down south with her husband and their kids. I wish I was a better brother or uncle sometimes, but we just lead very different lives, and she’s a lot older than me. I don’t think either one of us is super close with our parents. But it’s okay,” he says, not wanting Yuta to feel bad for him. “My friends are also my family. I talk to my parents every once in a while, and I try to go home at least once a year around the holidays.”

“You don’t need to justify anything to me,” Yuta says. “I’m just curious, that’s all. I feel like there’s a lot I still don’t know about you.”

“Well, in all fairness, we spent a lot of time doing other things besides talking.”

Yuta cracks a smile at that. “We did,” he agrees. 

“You can ask me anything you want,” Jaehyun says. “Don’t you want to know about my middle school Leonardo DiCaprio obsession when I watched Titanic for the first time?”

“That should’ve been your first clue that you weren’t straight,” Yuta teases, and they both burst into laughter. Jaehyun loves that he can joke about this now, something he definitely wouldn’t have been able to do even a month or two ago. 

They trade stories about childhood memories and recent happenings, about what their goals are for the upcoming year and where they want to travel. Jaehyun needn’t have worried that it was going to be awkward. He wondered if it would be, after how things ended, if Yuta would carry resentment with him into their time together tonight. And while he’s sure that Yuta still has his reservations, he’s also reminded of how good he and Yuta are together, how magnetizing Yuta’s presence is to his own energy, how well they play off each other. 

It’s a near-perfect first date, as far as first dates go. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that Yuta will want to do it again. He could still decide that he’s not ready, that he hasn’t forgiven Jaehyun, that for whatever reason, it won’t work. As hard as it would be, Jaehyun would respect his decision. But he’s praying that it won’t come to that.

Eventually it becomes too cold to sit any longer. Jaehyun packs up their things, and they walk back to the side of the road where their cars are parked. There’s a path along the overlook, and they look at it and then back at each other at the same time.

“Walk with me?” Jaehyun asks. Yuta nods. Jaehyun puts the blanket and leftover food into the passenger seat of his car, and offers Yuta his arm. It’s a risky move, but the area around them is deserted, and Yuta loops his arm through Jaehyun’s gracefully.

“How was tonight?” he asks Yuta, almost afraid to know the answer. “You don’t have to give me an answer yet, if you’re not ready to say anything. But you haven’t run for the hills yet, so I must be doing something right.”

“Tonight was lovely,” Yuta confirms. “You’re right that I don’t have an answer for you yet, but I’m having a good time with you. I always do.”

Jaehyun will take it. 

They walk in silence, taking in the scenery of the view before them. The multicolored fountain shooting jets of water off of Banpo Bridge, the city lights reflecting on the frosty river, the red and white spire of Namsan Tower reaching into the sky. 

By the time they make it back to their vehicles, Yuta looks a little sleepy. 

“Are you okay to drive?” Jaehyun asks. 

Yuta nods. “I’ll be fine. I could use something to wake me up though.”

“Oh?”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Yuta laughs. “Come here and give me a hug, dumbass.”

Jaehyun is more than happy to oblige. Yuta’s body fits snugly against his own, a source of warmth on a chilly night. It feels way too good to hold Yuta like this again, if only for a few seconds. Jaehyun savors it, not sure if he’ll ever get the chance again.

“Drive safe,” Jaehyun whispers. “Thank you for the date.”

“Goodnight, Jaehyun-ah.” 

Yuta drives off, and Jaehyun is left to sit in the front seat of his car and watch the river, praying that the night wasn’t a fluke.

***

The ball is in Yuta’s court now, and Jaehyun knows it. 

It’s a fact that he tries not to agonize over, but between that and waiting to hear back from auditions every day, he’s preoccupied with both his work and love life to an acute degree.

“Park Jaesuk wants you for his drama,” Doyoung finally announces over a call, nearly a week after his date with Yuta. “The part is yours if you want it.” 

Jaehyun breathes a sigh of relief. He craves being on a filming schedule again, even though it’ll probably mean a lot of late nights on set and potentially some travelling. 

“But that’s not all,” Doyoung continues. “I received a call from CTX Entertainment. They’re interested in signing you as an actor at their agency.”

“Shit, seriously?” Jaehyun can’t believe his luck. “That’s amazing.”

“We’ll have to talk with Taeil-ssi to discuss your options,” Doyoung says. “Legal stuff is his area of expertise. I don’t want you signing your soul away if you can avoid it. But it seems like an exciting opportunity, and having a company to back your activities will of course be an asset to your career.”

Jaehyun hums in agreement. “I’m surprised you’re getting calls this soon.”

“Your drama has been doing quite well,” Doyoung replies. “Sure, there’s some controversy, some negative comments and reactions, but weekly viewership is relatively high. Whether from Yuta-ssi and Johnny-ssi’s presence or the fact that people are more curious than usual, I don’t know. But let’s thank our lucky stars and run with it for as long as possible.” 

Jaehyun has checked the Naver trending searches and skimmed some reviews from critics, but he’s done his best to avoid the scathing netizen comment sections, which he’s sure are tearing him apart. 

“I’ll set up a meeting with Taeil for early next week,” Doyoung continues. “We’ll want to take care of this before you sign onto any other shows. I’ll tell Park Jaesuk’s people that you’re interested, but are waiting to tie up some legal ends first. Get some rest, we’ll talk later.”

They exchange parting words and hang up, leaving Jaehyun to ponder his possibilities. Curiosity gets the better of him after their conversation, and he clicks on the Naver app and finds some trending posts from a few weeks ago.

**Korea’s First Major Boy Love Drama Sparks Strong Reactions Among Netizens**

_In a shocking career move, beloved industry sweetheart Nakamoto Yuta returns to the small screen opposite newcomer Jung Jaehyun in a suspenseful romantic drama featuring a love story between their characters. While both Nakamoto Yuta and renowned actor Johnny Suh provide familiar faces to attract viewers, the drama is gaining extra attention for portraying the first same-sex kiss to be aired on a major Korean network._

1\. [+131, -21] To be honest, I’m shocked Nakamoto Yuta would consider this project, especially after his success in Superhuman. He’s courageous to say the least...

2\. [+102, -33] They’re both good-looking ㅋㅋㅋ Jung Jaehyun has dimples that would make anyone swoon. If Korea can accept him after this role, he’ll be famous for sure.

3\. [+95, -51] Couldn’t they have cast them as first and second lead instead? The younger generation always insists on being so politically correct these days…

4\. [+70, -28] I wonder if Korea is ready for such a show? Maybe the public will be forgiving since Yuta is one of the leads. Ahh well, it will probably get popular overseas…

5\. [+35, -22] The acting is good, but Yuta oppa why do you have to kiss another man ㅠㅠ

Jaehyun decides that he’s seen enough for today. He moves to toss his phone across the couch, but it buzzes mid-throw.

**Yuta**   
_so...take me stargazing this weekend?_

Jaehyun’s heart nearly beats out of his chest as a grin spreads across his face. It’s been nearly a week, and he’s been wondering how long Yuta would wait to text, if he was even going to at all.

**Jaehyun**   
_you know i will_

Initial promotions are done for their drama, and since both his new drama contract and his potential company contract are up in the air right now, he’s in a state of limbo for the few days leading up to their second date. He goes to the gym a lot, and writes in his journal. On Saturday, he treats Donghyuck to lunch, the first time he’s seen him since they called their arrangement off.

“You look better than the last time I saw you,” Donghyuck says as he shovels samgyeopsal into his mouth. “Less stressed.”

“I feel better,” Jaehyun affirms. “I have a date this weekend, actually.”

“Okay, you can’t just drop that on me and not elaborate.”

“Well, you already know I was hung up on someone else. We’ve sort of patched things up and I’m trying to not be an idiot about it this time around.”

Donghyuck makes a cooing sound, raising his glass in cheers. “Aw hyung, that’s awesome.”

“And that’s all the information you’re getting out of me,” Jaehyun says. “What about you? Any cute boys catch your eye lately?”

Donghyuck blushes. “Well, this guy named Mark just moved into my friend’s apartment,” he mumbles. “He’s from Canada and he has the biggest brown eyes, fuck. And he wears glasses, and he stutters when he’s nervous…” he trails off.

“Whipped already, huh?” Jaehyun teases.

“I’m not going to survive,” Donghyuck moans, head in hands. 

“Finally, a boy brings the almighty Donghyuck to his knees at last.”

“I’ve already been on my knees for you, hyung,” Donghyuck smirks.

“Yah, we already agreed not to talk about that anymore.”

They bicker back and forth for a while, until the waitress packs up their leftovers and they finally exit the restaurant. It’s been an enjoyable afternoon of food and conversation, and he waves to Donghyuck as he crosses the street and disappears into the subway station.

As he turns away from Donghyuck’s retreating form and starts walking back to the lot where his car is parked, he feels eyes on him, and notices that a small group of schoolgirls is looking his way and whispering to each other. They make no effort to come up and talk to him, but he swears one of them snaps a picture as he ducks into the parking garage. It’s his first reminder, besides his growing Instagram following, that he’s stepping into a different version of his life as a public figure. He might need to hire security the next time he goes to the airport.

Sunday rolls around soon enough, and before he knows it he’s in the parking garage of Yuta’s building, waiting for him to come out. In the past, Jaehyun has usually parked on the street a few blocks down, but the parking garage affords them more privacy since they’re getting in the same car together. 

“Hey stranger,” Yuta says, slipping into the passenger seat. “Ready for our adventure?” 

“Let’s do it.”

Jaehyun is proud of himself for the plan he made tonight. His parents live in the countryside, and he’s driven all the way down south to see his sister before, so he’s familiar with a lot of the backroads that are far enough away from light pollution to see some stars, but not too far from the city. He did a little extra research to find a good spot tonight, so hopefully Yuta will be satisfied.

Yuta plugs his phone into the aux as they exit his apartment complex and merge onto the nearby freeway entrance. The music filtering through the car speakers is more mellow than his usual taste, but it adds to the ambiance. 

“You’re quiet tonight,” Jaehyun observes. 

“I’m enjoying the view.” Yuta looks right at him as he says it, and Jaehyun fights a smile, refocusing his eyes on the road.

They alternate between small talk and singing along to the music as Jaehyun exits off the freeway and turns onto a side street, which eventually leads him down a winding road towards the mountains. It’s about a 45 minute drive from Seoul, but it’s enough to remove some of the light pollution. Jaehyun went deep into Reddit to find a dirt parking lot next to an overpass at the edge of the entrance to one of the national parks. As they pull in and park in the empty area, Yuta gives him a look of admiration, clearly impressed that he managed to find someplace so off the grid.

“This is the only time you’re allowed on top of my car,” Jaehyun says. He takes out a pile of blankets from the trunk and an extra pillow from his hall closet, and clambers up onto the roof of his car to set everything down. “Come on, try not to dent anything on your way up.”

They’re a little squished, but Jaehyun thinks they’d probably be huddling together for warmth anyway due to the cold. The frost bites at his cheeks, and he’s glad that his coat has a hood. Yuta presses their shoulders together and laughs in delight as they look up, eyes adjusting to the dark blanket of stars above them. 

“Wow,” he whispers. “I didn’t think we could see this many so close to Seoul.”

“I have my ways,” Jaehyun whispers back.

“You really would give me the stars, huh?” There’s a fondness in Yuta’s tone that Jaehyun hasn’t heard in a while, and it keeps him warm even on this frosty night.

“I’ll give you anything, as long as it’s within my power.”

“Big talk,” Yuta says, but his hand finds Jaehyun’s underneath the blanket.

They lie there, breath puffing visible clouds into the air in front of them, and Jaehyun points out a few of the constellations he recognizes.

“That’s Cassiopeia,” he says, taking Yuta’s hand and pointing it up to the sky. “We’re not far enough into the country to see it, but the Andromeda Galaxy is just to the right of Cassiopeia. The only other galaxy we can see from our own.”

“Since when are you an astronomy expert?” 

“I took an astronomy class during my first year of college,” Jaehyun explains. “One of the few general ed classes that I actually remember things from. Good thing too, since it makes me look smart.”

“I already know you’re smart,” Yuta nudges him affectionately. “But you continue to surprise me every day.”

“Glad to know I can keep things exciting. I should start being extra secretive about things, so you think I’m mysterious too.”

“You’re such a dork sometimes,” Yuta laughs. “When you’re not in denial, you wear your heart on your sleeve far too much for me to ever mistake you as dark and brooding. But I like that about you. I like when you tell me how you really feel.”

“I could tell you how I really feel now,” Jaehyun says, feeling brave.

“You could,” Yuta agrees. “And I’m not shutting you down from doing that. But let’s look at the stars first.”

The sky is big and Jaehyun is small, but the idea of expansive galaxies billions of light years away don’t freak him out the way they used to. Maybe it’s the meditation (he’s done a couple more that Ten sent him since his mini-breakthrough), or maybe it’s the way that he feels just big enough for the space next to Yuta, just broad enough to wrap his arms around him and intertwine their fingers together. It’s not that he thinks of himself solely in relation to Yuta now, but the idea of being in a relationship with someone who sees him so clearly grants an additional meaning to his life, an extra role that he feels motivated to step into. 

“I don’t want to go, but I also don’t want it to get too late,” Yuta says after a while. The stars glitter in the dark, like thousands of tiny diamonds, but Jaehyun eventually tears his eyes away, knowing Yuta is right. 

He hops down from the hood of the car and holds his arms out. Yuta snorts in amusement, but he humors Jaehyun and scoots down until he jumps off into his outstretched embrace. It’s dark, and their legs knock against each other as Yuta stumbles into him. Jaehyun steadies him, but he doesn’t let go.

“Jaehyun-ah,” Yuta murmurs, both of them acutely aware of their proximity.

“Is now a good time to tell you how I really feel?”

“Yeah,” Yuta whispers. “Or you could show me.”

The first brush of their lips is tentative, but Yuta opens into the kiss, and Jaehyun responds immediately, pressing their lips together more fully. 

His heart soars, unable to comprehend that Yuta is actually letting him kiss him. Both of their faces are too numb from the cold to do much else besides touch lips, but for what it is, and considering all the things that could have gone wrong up to this point, it’s perfect.

Jaehyun pours his feelings out through the kiss, trying to let Yuta know just how much he wants this.

_I’m not going to run away again._

_I want you so much._

Eventually Yuta breaks the kiss, pecking his lips one more time before stepping back. “I’m gonna freeze if we stand out here any longer,” he mumbles. “Come on, let’s turn the car heater on.”

Jaehyun wonders if they’re going to make out in the warmth of his car, but Yuta seems to want to take it slow. He shivers and signals for Jaehyun to turn on the ignition. Jaehyun drives all the way back to Seoul wide awake, left hand on the wheel and right hand intertwined with Yuta’s across the console. 

***

They settle into a tentative rhythm after that. He knows that Yuta is nervous, that he has feelings for Jaehyun but doesn’t want to rush in so fast that he gets his heart broken again.

So Jaehyun takes him on more dates, and they enjoy the process of getting to know each other all over again. They kiss sometimes, if circumstances allow, but it never gets past the point of a few gentle lip bites in between softer, sweeter kisses. Nothing too heated.

It’s more than Jaehyun ever thought he would get again, so he has no problem being patient.

They don’t see each other all the time—part of the whole taking it slow thing—but that’s okay, because Jaehyun is busy anyway. He signs the contract with CTX after some careful negotiations, and he spends most of his time practicing for his new drama, which starts filming shortly after the holidays.

He knows that Yuta is spending a lot of time with his parents, especially with the holidays coming up, and he’s trying to meet his actor hyungs for drinks and dinner more often. He has a life outside of Jaehyun, as he should, but Jaehyun wonders when he’s allowed to ask Yuta to be official, or if Yuta will run for the hills before he even gets the chance. 

He puts his own worries out of his mind for a night to go to Ten’s art gallery showing and support his friend. Besides his job as a dance instructor, Ten has been taking commissions and selling his art on the side, and he finally got one of his pieces into a gallery. So Jaehyun showers, puts on a button-down shirt, and makes his way to the Gangnam district.

“You came!” Ten materializes from behind a group of middle-aged men chatting in a circle. 

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Jaehyun assures him. “Where’s your piece?”

“I’ll let you find it,” Ten says. “I want to introduce you to someone first.”

Ten leads him over to a tall man holding a champagne glass and gazing at one of the walls of art.

“Yukhei-yah, this is my friend Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun bows in greeting. “The yoga instructor, right?”

“That’s me,” Yukhei grins sheepishly. 

“I did one of the meditations you sent Ten. It was pretty cool, actually.” 

Yukhei’s face lights up. “Really? That’s awesome. I’ve been learning about this new breathing method recently, and I’m really excited to try it in one of my classes…”

_I’ll leave you to it_ , Ten mouths as he slips off to network around the gallery. Jaehyun’s sure that Taeyong and Jungwoo will be here soon if they aren’t already, but he enjoys his conversation with Yukhei, even if he’s not entirely sold on the breathing thing Yukhei is rambling on about. More than anything, he’s surprised that Ten is introducing someone to him. Things must be getting serious if he’s letting Yukhei meet his friends already. 

“So,” Jaehyun says after as they wander around the gallery, “you and Ten, huh?”

“I don’t know,” Yukhei mumbles. “I’m nervous to ask him what we are.”

“But you want to be more?”

“Of course I do,” Yukhei says. “Have you seen him?”

“He’s a force to be reckoned with, that’s for sure.”

Yukhei smiles at that. “He really is. I just don’t want to scare him off.”

“You should talk with him about it at some point,” Jaehyun says. “Worst case scenario, he wants to keep things casual, which is what you’re already doing. Best case scenario, you’ve got yourself a boyfriend.”

“You might have a point,” Yukhei muses. “Well, I’m sure you’ll find out at some point how it goes.” 

They find themselves in front of a graphite sketch of a city inside a fishbowl, titled _Microcosm_.

“This is Ten’s, right?” Jaehyun asks.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? So creative.”

Jaehyun hums in agreement. “I hope it sells. He deserves it.”

“There you two are,” says Ten from behind them. “Getting along well, I hope. Taeyong and Jungwoo are at the snack table.”

“You did well,” Jaehyun says. “Really, this is amazing.”

A light blush colors Ten’s cheeks, but he smiles at the praise. “Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Jaehyun assures him.

They join their friends by the food, and Ten introduces them to Yukhei. Jaehyun thinks they make an attractive couple, however ambiguous their relationship status may be. He hopes one of them makes a move soon.

They go out to a late dinner to celebrate Ten after the gallery closes, and Jaehyun is grateful for a fun night out with his friends. Yukhei gets along well with them, which is a relief for everyone, and when he excuses himself to the restroom at one point, Taeyong takes the opportunity to inform Ten that he needs to “lock that shit down” immediately. Jaehyun agrees. He recognizes the intimate looks they give each other when no one is looking, because Yuta used to look at him the same way. He hopes Ten and Yukhei figure out their feelings.

When he returns home and curls up in bed, he thinks about how he should probably take his own advice to Yukhei when it comes to Yuta. The worst that happens is that Yuta says he’s not ready, and they keep taking it slow. 

He wakes up the next day with a plan. After confirming that Yuta is available on Thursday night, he makes a reservation at Namsan Tower for two. He keeps busy during the week by memorizing his lines for the new show, and doing a couple sponsored posts for a new skincare brand he likes, which distracts him from his growing nervousness. A lot of international fans have joined his Instagram following, commenting in all sorts of languages he doesn’t recognize. Everyone was right that the drama would do well overseas (with fans streaming it in all sorts of ways that probably aren’t legal), and he knows that Director Kim is in talks with Netflix to get the full season up and available for streaming worldwide after it finishes airing here in Korea.

When Thursday finally comes around, Jaehyun goes all out. He takes the time to style his hair, parting it so his forehead is revealed, and dabs some chapstick on his lips. Well, the last part is a necessity more than anything, considering winter has fully hit the city, but it gives his lips a rosy sheen nevertheless. Very kissable, if Jaehyun says so himself. He puts on his nicest turtleneck and grabs his warmest coat, and then he’s out the door.

Namsan Tower sits on a hillside above Seoul, providing panoramic views of the city. It’s a popular tourist destination, but the tower also has a few restaurants inside. The bar and grill on the top floor has a few private rooms, and Jaehyun is glad he had the foresight to call ahead and make a reservation. 

He makes a pit stop at the souvenir shop at the base of the tower, and then he takes the elevator all the way to the fifth floor. Yuta is waiting for him in the restaurant lobby, and the hostess leads them to a private room towards the back and off to the side. 

“You keep surprising me,” Yuta says when they’ve settled down in their seats. “I can’t believe I’ve lived in Seoul my whole life and I’ve never been here.”

“I came here once on a school field trip when I was a kid,” Jaehyun says. “Haven’t been back since. It’s really nice, isn’t it?”

“The view is amazing,” Yuta agrees. “Very romantic.”

Even with a room to themselves, sectioned off from the rest of the restaurant, the one window in the room provides them with a snapshot view of the city, sprawling buildings glowing bright in the dark. 

“We’ve been dating for almost two months,” Jaehyun says. “And since we’ll both be busy around the holidays and might not get to celebrate, I thought we could do something special tonight.” 

He’s not usually the type of person to think too much about monthly relationship milestones, except for the big ones, but he’s been hyper-aware of his time with Yuta.

“Two months already?” Yuta grins up at him. “Guess I’ll keep you around for a while longer.”

“That’s the goal,” Jaehyun teases, though he actually does mean it.

Yuta squeezes his hand and opens his menu. “In that case, I think a nice bottle of wine is in order.”

They peruse their menus and place their food and drink orders when the waitstaff comes back. While they wait for their food, Jaehyun tells him about going to Ten’s gallery opening.

“I miss your friends,” Yuta says. They had both agreed to hold off on reintroducing Yuta back into the fold of their group since their status had changed from “friends who used to kiss sometimes but are now no longer speaking” to “two grown adults who are actually trying to date for real this time.” Jaehyun had encouraged him to get in contact with everyone, especially with Ten, but Yuta hadn’t wanted to get attached again, in case things didn’t work out between them.

“You’re the one who hasn’t reached out,” Jaehyun reminds him gently. “They’re anxious to see you again.”

“Well, maybe it’s time to rethink my rule then,” Yuta says. “Speaking of meeting important people in each other’s lives, my parents asked about you.”

“Oh?” Jaehyun was not expecting that.

“It’s nothing major,” Yuta clarifies. “They know I’m seeing someone, though I haven’t told them who. They just asked how you were doing, and if you had someplace to go for the holidays.”

“I’m doing my annual road trip to see my parents,” Jaehyun tells him. He’s not particularly looking forward to being reminded of his grandfather and all the childhood memories he’s suppressed coming to light once again, but he reminds himself that his grandfather isn’t here anymore. He gets to choose how to move forward now.

And that starts with himself, and also with Yuta.

“Well,” Yuta says carefully. “Maybe once the holidays are over and it’s less of a big deal, you can stop by for some tea. I’m sure they’d love to meet you.”

“You went from hating me to wanting me to meet your parents?” Jaehyun blurts out, unable to control his big mouth. “I’m flattered, don’t get me wrong. I was just not emotionally prepared for you to hit me with that one.”

“It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Yuta shrugs. “Like, I get that it sort of is, but it also doesn’t have to happen for a while. I just wanted to let you know that it’s on the table for a later date. Whenever we’re both ready.”

Jaehyun likes how Yuta talks about them like that, like they have a future together. 

“And besides,” Yuta adds. “I don’t hate you. I never did.”

Jaehyun _knows_ that, but it still feels good to hear. 

Their food comes, interrupting their conversation, and they clink their glasses together in cheers. 

“To us,” Yuta smiles.

“To us.”

The food is delicious (as it should be, considering the exorbitant fee he paid for the separate room), and the waitstaff give them their privacy. Yuta’s eyes shine bright as he tells Jaehyun funny stories about his time with his acting hyungs, and Jaehyun laughs as he listens to Yuta recount their antics.

They avoid talking about work as much as possible, but Yuta mentions that he’s seen Johnny recently, and Jaehyun updates him on Naeun and Donghyuck.

“It’s good that you managed to stay in touch with them,” Yuta says. “You’re not always going to get along that well with your co-stars. I’m glad you made a couple friends.”

Jaehyun grins. “I think you and I had the opposite problem. We got along a little too well.”

“An unusual problem to have,” Yuta smirks. “But I think we made the best of it, don’t you?”

Jaehyun squeezes his hand across the table in answer.

Eventually, the waitstaff come back to clear their plates, and Jaehyun reluctantly lets go of Yuta’s hand. “Dessert?” he asks Yuta.

Yuta shakes his head, and the waiter hands them the check. 

“Thank you for dinner,” Yuta says. “You’re wonderful.”

Jaehyun blushes at that. As soon as the waiter comes back with his credit card, he stands up to grab their coats, eager to start the next phase of his plan.

As they exit the restaurant, Yuta turns to him questioningly. "What now?"

"Follow me," Jaehyun says.

They make their way down to the observation deck outside. It's late now, almost 11 pm, and both the weather and the darkness have driven the majority of the tourists home for the day. A few wandering couples remain, but Jaehyun guides them away from other people, down a set of steps, and to a lookout spot.

But this is no ordinary viewpoint. "The Locks of Love," Yuta says wonderingly, before it clicks. "Oh my god, you didn't."

Thousands of multicolored locks cling to the fence in front of them like barnacles. It's a tradition in Seoul for lovers to come up here and place a lock on the fence, signifying the permanency of their love and devotion. The wall has accumulated stacks upon stacks of locks and other trinkets over the years, as it’s a way for tourists to leave their mark as well. Jaehyun knows it's cheesy, that a hundred Korean dramas have filmed cliché romantic scenes here, but he doesn't care. It seems fitting, anyhow.

He surveys their surroundings, making sure they have some privacy, and pulls the lock he purchased from the gift shop before dinner out of his pocket.

"Jaehyun-ah," Yuta whispers, eyes brimming with emotion.

"Hyung," Jaehyun whispers back. "You already know how I feel about you. I'm so lucky that you agreed to give me a second chance. We've been taking it slow, and that's been a good thing for both of us. And if you still want to do that, then that's okay. I'm not going to rush you. But I need you to know that I'm yours. That I want you to be mine. And that I'm not going anywhere."

"I've always been yours," Yuta mumbles. He sniffles, and Jaehyun's not sure if it's from the cold or if he's actually on the verge of tears.

Jaehyun's heart melts at that, and the rest of his nerves dissipate as he continues his speech. "I mean it when I say that I'm not going anywhere. I need you to know that, hyung. I'm not Sejun. I'm still getting comfortable with my sexuality, but I'm not ashamed of you, or of us. I'm not just gonna dip again."

"I know," Yuta says. "I'm not mad at you anymore. It's true that I was still hurt for a while, and wary of getting my heart broken again, but you've proven yourself to me. We still have some work to do, but I think you're underestimating how crazy I am about you."

Oh. "So does that mean you'll…" he trails off.

"Yes, I'll be your boyfriend," Yuta finishes the sentence for him. "God, don't make it sound like a marriage proposal."

The elation that washes over Jaehyun’s entire being is enormous. 

“I wish we weren’t in public,” Yuta whispers. “I’d give anything to kiss you right now, fuck.”

Jaehyun almost wishes he would, but he shoves that thought down. He pulls the earring Yuta gave him back in Jeju out of his other pocket, and presses it into Yuta’s palm.

“Put it on me,” he says. “Since I can’t kiss you yet, make me yours.”

Yuta looks at the earring with an air of reverence, and then he laughs, shaking his head, as he gingerly slides the earring through Jaehyun’s ear.

“You really pulled out all the stops tonight, huh?” he murmurs fondly.

“For you? Always.”

Yuta smiles at that. “Take me home, Jaehyun-ah,” he whispers, and Jaehyun dares to hope that he means it in more ways than one.

The drive back to Yuta’s apartment complex is charged. Yuta places a firm hand on his leg, thumb brushing his inner thigh as he hums along to the radio. 

“I’m driving,” Jaehyun grits out when Yuta’s hand creeps up higher and higher, into uncharted territory.

“Keep your eyes on the road then,” Yuta says nonchalantly, as if he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

After an eternity, Jaehyun finally pulls into a guest spot in the parking garage.

“Well?” Yuta says, and absolutely nothing could prepare Jaehyun for his bedroom voice, all husky and teasing, a hint of a smirk playing on his lips. “Are you coming up or not?”

It takes every last shred of discipline in Jaehyun not to jump him right then and there in the car. He’s proud of the restraint he shows as they get into the elevator and ride up to the eighteenth floor. The seconds feel like hours as they walk down the hall and Yuta unlocks his apartment door, tossing his coat onto the floor and kicking off his shoes. Jaehyun follows suit, and then they both decide to stop pretending.

When they collide, it's electric.

This is how it was always supposed to be. Not like how it was in the hotel room in Jeju, all hushed and tentative. Yuta slams him up against the wall and kisses him hard, and Jaehyun finally feels confident enough to give back as good as he's getting.

"Off," Yuta pants, motioning to Jaehyun's sweater. Jaehyun doesn't need to be told twice, and before long they're both down to their boxers. They look at each other and laugh, standing next to naked in the middle of Yuta's foyer, but Yuta's laugh gets cut short when Jaehyun picks him up like he weighs nothing and carries him to the bedroom.

“Okay, if you keep on doing that I’m going to discover a strength kink I didn’t know I had,” he hisses, and Jaehyun files that information away for future use.

He tosses Yuta onto the bed and climbs on top of him, hovering over his body as he presses open-mouthed kisses up and down Yuta's upper body. Hickeys bloom wherever his lips touch Yuta's skin, and he delights in the knowledge that Yuta is his again, a fact he still can't quite wrap his head around.

"Fuck me," Yuta demands, flipping them around so he's sitting on Jaehyun's lap. Their boxers are gone at this point, and their dicks brush against each other messily. 

Yuta reaches over to the bedside table for a bottle of lube. “I’m clean, come on. I need your fingers in me.” He squirts the liquid onto his hand and reaches back to open himself up, too keyed up and impatient to wait. Jaehyun gets his own fingers wet and presses one in alongside Yuta's, and then Yuta is rocking back against their fingers as he gets stretched open.

“My cock’s gonna feel so fucking good inside you,” Jaehyun whispers into his ear. “Gonna fill you up, give it to you so good just like you want.”

“Fucking hell,” Yuta growls as he pulls his finger out so Jaehyun can slip another two in. “Where’d you learn to talk like that, huh? Maybe you should get on your knees for me and my cock will shut you up.”

“Later,” Jaehyun says. A shiver runs down his spine at the thought of Yuta taking control, shoving his cock down Jaehyun’s throat and making him gag for it. Maybe next time, after a proper kink negotiation talk. He curls his fingers up, stretching Yuta out until he’s nice and loose. "How do you want it?" 

"I'm going to ride you," Yuta says purposefully. "And you're not going to come until I say you can."

"Jesus fucking Christ." Jaehyun feels like the wind has just gotten knocked out of him. He rolls a condom on, slicking himself up and giving his cock a few tugs to prime himself.

Yuta makes a show of it, hiking his hips up to align himself with Jaehyun’s dick, and then he’s sinking down effortlessly, biting his lip as he gazes into Jaehyun’s eyes and runs a hand through his hair.

It's a sensation that never gets old, and Jaehyun's brain immediately short-circuits. Yuta's perfect, he's actually perfect, and right now he's sitting on Jaehyun's dick and it is very possible that Jaehyun will have a mental breakdown about it later on.

Yuta rolls his hips down, and Jaehyun's hands reach out to hold his hips there as he fucks up in return.

"Fuck," Yuta hisses, and Jaehyun thrusts up again.

The pleasure is instantaneous. He's drowning in warmth and heat, in the way Yuta looks at him like they belong to each other and nothing else in the world matters.

"Oh?" Yuta taunts. "Is that all you got?"

Jaehyun snarls and snaps his hips upward, setting a brutal pace. A look of triumph flashes in Yuta's eyes. He presses their chests together, never breaking eye contact, and lets Jaehyun show him just how much he missed him.

“Mine,” Yuta growls as he tugs Jaehyun’s earlobe into his mouth, tongue flicking at his earring.

“Yours.”

In the end, it's Jaehyun who ends up doing most of the work, but he doesn't mind. He loves the way Yuta looks down at his v line as it flexes every time Jaehyun thrusts inside him, loves the way his own cock looks as it disappears inside Yuta, loves the way every touch feels like an electric current sizzling through his bloodstream.

He twists a hand around Yuta's cock, and Yuta moans under his breath as his rhythm starts to falter.

"Shit," he swears. His back arches as his hips slam down to meet Jaehyun's. Jaehyun can't get enough of how good Yuta looks, sweat dripping down his temples as he pushes his hair back and bounces even faster on Jaehyun's dick.

Jaehyun plants his feet down on the bed and pistons his hips up hard, and Yuta screams as he clenches up, tightening around Jaehyun's cock as he rides his orgasm out.

The extra pressure sends a shock down to Jaehyun's lower belly, and he hisses in frustration.

"Jesus," Yuta gasps. "You want to come for me, Jaehyun-ah?"

Jaehyun flips them around, fucking hard into Yuta as he chases his high. Yuta is so wet and warm and tight around him, a vision in all his fucked-out glory. Blood roars in his ears as his orgasm slams into him, and his vision goes temporarily dark with the intensity of it all.

They stay there for a moment, catching their breath, staring into each other's eyes, and soaking in the enormity of what they've just done.

Eventually, Yuta retrieves some washcloths from the bathroom and cleans them up, before settling down in bed and cuddling up against Jaehyun's chest.

"Jesus, when did you learn to fuck that good?" he laughs in disbelief. Jaehyun figures this probably isn’t the best time to mention Donghyuck, or any of his past college trysts.

"I wasn't a virgin before I met you," he says instead, rolling his eyes. He knows what Yuta means, though.

They lay in bed, trading soft kisses and basking in the post-sex afterglow. He'll never get over how perfect Yuta feels in his arms.

_Damn, makeup sex really does hit different_ , Jaehyun thinks to himself.

"Missed you," Yuta murmurs, pressing his lips to the spot right above his heart.

"I'm not going anywhere," he says. "I already promised you."

"I believe you," Yuta says. "But I still missed you."

Jaehyun kisses him, slow and deep. "I missed you too," he says honestly.

He lets Yuta trace patterns up and down his chest, lets him hum softly into his ear and whisper sweet nothings.

"You know," he teases after a while, "we've slept together twice now. And the fact that I still haven't had your cock in my mouth is kind of a crime."

Yuta quirks an eyebrow in interest. "Well," he grins, threading a hand through Jaehyun's hair, "I'm sure I can think of a solution to your problem."

Jaehyun slides his way down Yuta's body and gets to work.

***

They're out on the balcony now, having showered after their second round of sex. Jaehyun thinks he could stand out here forever watching the city lights and the cars flying by, even in the cold. He thinks about all the people driving in those vehicles, all the people he will never know, leading their own separate lives, each of them the main character in the movie of their life.

Chance is a funny thing. Any one of those people could be someone he used to know, or someone he has yet to meet. But somehow, he and Yuta met and found their way back to each other.

They still have so much to figure out. Going public is out of the question, but over time, they will learn where the best late night date spots are, and when the lobbies in their respective apartment buildings are usually the most empty. They will cautiously share their happiness with a few trusted friends, and learn how to field questions from the media about their love lives. Jaehyun will have moments where he questions his identity, and Yuta will worry sometimes that he’s not enough to make Jaehyun stay. Nevertheless, they will work through their insecurities and reaffirm their love and commitment to one another, each and every time.

But that all comes later.

Tonight, they relax into the present moment and indulge in the simple pleasure of being together.

The night breeze is a soothing lullaby, despite the chill of winter in the air. Although he’s surrounded by the chaos and hurry in the city streets, Jaehyun feels calm and centered, like the world is holding them in a steady embrace.

Yuta wraps his arms around him, giving Jaehyun that fond smile reserved solely for him, and Jaehyun finally feels like he's coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was both the easiest and hardest story that I've ever written. Easy because the words poured out of me, hard because I wanted to make sure I got their dynamic and all the little details just right. This story means a lot to me, and I would be honored to know what you thought of it. 
> 
> As an aside, I didn't mention it in the beginning notes, but the idea for this fic stemmed from the Thai drama Why R U the series! For those who are familiar with the show, I couldn't stop thinking about how Jaehyun and Fighter both have "oblivious straight boy who isn't actually straight" energy, as well as all the behind-the-scenes ZaintSee shenanigans that went down while filming, and as you can tell by the word count of this fic, it spiraled from there. The entire beach trip plot point, the earring Yuta gives Jaehyun, and the very first lines of the script that they act out during their chemistry read are all heavily inspired by the show. 
> 
> Anyway, I would love for you to come talk to me in the comments!! Each comment is truly a serotonin boost and it gives me so much life to hear what people think of my stories. Kudos are also much appreciated.
> 
> Thank you yujae for my life, and thank you everyone for reading ♡


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